Remember Me
by Chibi Fenrir
Summary: If neither one lets go of his heart then...
1. Remembrance

Disclaimer: All rights reserved by Gainax.

Warning: Mature content.

Remember Me

Entry One:

Remembrance

Graveyards were a place not many were fond of in the first place but she absolutely hated them. There were nothing wrong with wanting to remember the departed but this was never a place for the dead. This was solely for those left behind. This was a garden of angst, a place where sorrow grew next to the weeds.

Ritsuko Akagi was one person who couldn't stand the thought of being attached to the past and a graveyard couldn't have been a more graphic representation of people looking back. With that in mind, it was no wonder why she found herself hating the entire week. There were so many funerals, too many people she knew being buried.

Thankfully, today would be the last day services would be held and everyone would be able to get their lives back on track. In a few more minutes the last funeral would be taking place but people were already leaving.

Ritsuko continued to watch the affair from afar as the small group of survivors started to scatter, some because of the dark clouds gathering above and others for more obvious reasons.

It wasn't surprising that no one wanted to be at the funeral of the man deemed by many as the enemy of humanity, his secret agenda exposed after his death.

Her hatred of graveyards paled in comparison to the scorn she had for Gendo Ikari. Besides being a scheming bastard, he was someone who manipulated her. He used her… He had her wrapped around his finger. She was so attracted to his genius she never noticed she was being used and, when she did, she continued to let him soil her mind and dirty her body.

Ritsuko tried hard to love him but her effort was in vain. Her attempt to find her place in his heart only led her to find out how cold he really was so she was glad that she killed him. She was happy to murder him right before he was able to grasp his goal.

As she predicted, it started to drizzle and no one was present.

The doctor motioned to head back to her car until she caught something out the corner of her eye. She turned around and was mildly surprised to see someone. Despite the rain somewhat clouding her vision, it wasn't hard to make out the figure of the only pilot still alive.

It was fair to think he was the only person who would come but, at the same time, it would make sense if he didn't considering the rocky relationship he had with his father.

No matter what he or she thought of his father, Shinji was the sole reason everyone who survived the initial attack managed to make it out of the incident alive. She didn't know how Misato did it but she got him to pilot and that was exactly what he did.

He destroyed the Mass Production series, remnants of the Evangelions probably still being picked up to this day and it wouldn't be too far off to say he wiped out a good number of the soldiers positioned inside the GeoFront.

At the end of the carnage, Unit 01 was the only thing left barely intact. Lances stuck in its torso, the Lance of Longinus wedged in its eye, one of its arms neatly split in half… Ritsuko sighed knowing the list went on but the important thing was that he did it. He saved the world and the remaining population with it.

Recalling the image of Unit 01 standing in spite of the damage done to it, Ritsuko brandished her umbrella before she moved closer to the boy who piloted it. Dressed formally, Shinji watched as the gravedigger deposited the remains of his father in the ground. He finished his task and, like the others, scampered away as the spring shower started to become a storm.

Seemingly unaffected by the rain, Shinji stared at the grave before him as Ritsuko approached. Neither said anything as she positioned the umbrella so the rain wouldn't drench him, the gesture being the least she could do for the grief-stricken boy. Silently, they both looked down at all that was left of the commander of NERV.

"I… I didn't know him." He said after a few minutes passed, "I think that's why I don't feel that sad."

Ritsuko was never a sentimental person. She always dealt with people like she had to and nothing more but an idle glance at his eyepatch forced her to say something, "He's not someone you have to cry for."

She didn't know she said the wrong thing until she turned to Shinji who looked more troubled than he did before, "He was supposed to be."

The rain continued to fall relentlessly as they stood under the umbrella, the small talk coming to an end with his words but their thoughts centered on the man that wronged them.

Shinji, Ritsuko decided, was right. Gendo was supposed to be a lot of things. Like a father, like a leader, like… a lover but all he did was further the means by which he would one day attain the selfish objective he desired.

"Yeah…" She muttered, if only to say something.

"Is Misato doing alright?" Shinji quietly posed the question, the look on his face telling her that he feared her reply. Somewhat thankful for the change of topic, Ritsuko briefly wondered what she should say but it didn't take long for her to make her choice.

Not only as someone who had insight on her situation but as one of the people he saved, Shinji deserved the honest truth and she was going to tell him exactly that.

"Shinji," She addressed him while holding back a sigh, "Misato is dying."

His guardian was perhaps one of the few who survived a face-to-face encounter with the soldiers but there was no doubt that she sustained some of the worst injuries. She personally made sure that no one was permitted to visit her especially the boy left in her care. Still, it was amazing that she managed to hold on this long but everyone knew that a chance of recovery was nil.

Shinji stared at his hands, the hopelessness that came with knowing he could do nothing for her something that continued to ebb away at his soul.

"She said she's grateful… that you piloted." Ritsuko voiced before tilting her umbrella to cover him.

It was a lie.

Misato was in no condition to move much less speak. Even if it was a lie, she was certain that his guardian would want to say something akin to that and she could only hope that it made him feel a bit better.

"Misato too…"

He couldn't describe how he felt even if he wanted to. The only description that could come close was hollow, the dull feeling that he was filled with nothing... He couldn't cry anymore and he wouldn't find any relief in tears even if he did.

How did things turn out like this?

How did someone who was scared to think about tomorrow managed to make it there while so many people who looked forward to the next day died before seeing it? What happened to the faith they invested in him? Where did it go after he failed them?

They were questions a person wasn't supposed to answer, especially a murderer like him.

The only thing he even came close to doing right was killing… He couldn't save an unarmed technician being gunned down while he ran to Unit 01 but he could easily dispatch a division of troops with nothing more than a progressive knife. He couldn't save Misato but he'd be damned if he couldn't turn the Mass Production series into fish food.

Shinji sighed as he remembered there was a time when he completely forgot he was supposed to be protecting people but his unintentional contact with the woman beside him roused him from his ominous thoughts.

Her arm brushing against his almost made him jump but he managed to restrain himself when he noticed she was simply trying to keep both of them dry. Deciding to think nothing of it, he looked up at the doctor.

Unlike Misato, Ritsuko's beauty came not only from her looks but the air of class that surrounded her. Though she was kind of cold at times, she exuded professionalism on a scale that made her so hard to approach that he never spoke to her unless she spoke to him first.

"Shinji," His sight lingered on her just long enough for her to notice, "What are you staring at?"

His head snapped in the other direction, "Uh… the rain."

Even though he was pretty much a veteran, he was still a terrible liar. Thankfully, she allowed it to slide seeing that she had something else to ask him, "What are you going to do now?"

"What am I going to do now?" Shinji echoed. He looked down at his shoes as he realized that he honestly never thought about life after Evangelion, "I… I don't know."

Ritsuko nodded, "That's reasonable given your age but NERV won't be around forever to reimburse us. Anyway, I was talking about the present." She said before switching the umbrella to her other hand.

"Oh, I'm going back-"

"You were seriously thinking of walking back to the apartment in this weather?"

"Well-"

"Forget it," Ritsuko cut him off again, "Come on. We don't have a reason to stay here anymore." She voiced as the rain continued to steady fall.

Shinji took a quick look at the grave of his father before he rushed off to follow the older woman, "Where are we going?"

"To my apartment." Ritsuko replied smoothly, "I still have to talk to you and I can tell you haven't been eating well."

Shinji cringed as her shrewd brown eyes came to rest on him. Ritsuko was always aware of things like that and was critical because of it but her stern look would never cease to unnerve him.

He matched her pace as they walked towards her car, "I just haven't had much of an appetite lately…"

"That's not surprising but you still have to eat regularly even if you're not hungry," Ritsuko folded up her umbrella and pulled out her car keys, "The door is already open."

0

Contrary to what he thought, his clothes weren't completely soaked but Ritsuko still insisted that he at least put his sport coat in the dryer. While he waited on it to dry, he looked down at one of the cats Ritsuko kept.

Shinji kneeled to take a better look at the kitten that pawed at his pants. He remember Misato mentioning something about Ritsuko owning cats but this was the first time he actually seen them for himself. There couldn't be more than four or five or them, a fact his guardian exaggerated greatly.

The brown kitten purred as the pilot scratched it behind the ear and he couldn't help but smile as it rolled over on its back. Another appeared and playfully pounced on top of it. He was so fascinated with the cats that he almost missed the faint scent from the kitchen even though he was in the doorway.

The stood, leaving the playing cats behind, and entered the kitchen. The sight that greeted him wasn't at all familiar but interesting nonetheless.

Ritsuko was standing in front of a chopping board and was quickly dicing onions. With complete concentration on the knife in hand, she quickly brought the knife down on the vegetables. Finished, she lifted the board and slid the ingredients into the pot on the stove.

It was only then that he noticed she had something in the oven, the aroma the reason he came into the kitchen in the first place. Curious, he found himself moving closer to stove to see exactly what she was making.

"Can you reach in the refrigerator and get me a green pepper?"

"S-Sure," He stuttered, surprised that she noticed him, "Anything else?"

"Well," Ritsuko paused to reach a spoon into the pot, "I have something important to talk to you about." She stated before bringing the spoon to her lips.

"What is it?" He asked, fearing the worst as he opened the refrigerator.

Normally that was something she would only say in regard to his piloting but, now, it was a completely different matter at hand. While he searched for the pepper she wanted, the blonde took a deep breath, "Shinji, would you like to live with me?"

He nearly dropped the bell pepper he just picked up, "Huh?"

Ritsuko stopped chopping and turned to Shinji who stared back at her, "I won't pressure you if you don't want to but Misato did want me to ask."

"She said that?"

"Yes."

He placed what she wanted on the counter and thought about it, "Okay but…"

Ritsuko grabbed the bell pepper and started chopping, "But?"

"The next time you see her can…" He paused and she almost thought he trailed off until he suddenly spoke, "Can you tell Misato that I love her?"

A pang of envy hit Ritsuko.

To this very day, no one ever said that he loved her and actually meant it. Foggy memories of a couple of one night stands were the only intimate moments she could recall besides the time she spent with the commander and none of that had anything to do with love.

Socially, she was incredibly inapt. She knew the value of things like friendship but, in the end, she only saw it as a sugary word to describe associations that were common. She knew it was important to have someone there for you but no one ever really was… When everything was good, people from all around wanted to smile with her but, when things couldn't possibly get any worse, she was alone in her misery.

At the root of her despair was a single man. The first person to say he loved her but didn't mean it at all. Gendo Ikari was one person she was glad she shot dead but, in killing him, she realized how alone she really was.

With her concentration broken by her train of thought, Ritsuko loosened her grip on the knife too much and put a shallow cut on her finger. It didn't take long for the blood to start flowing but she simply started at the wound without moving.

"Where do you keep the bandages?" Shinji asked upon noticing she hurt herself.

"I don't have anything like that here…" Ritsuko responded causing him to stop his search.

It was the truth. She rarely came home and that was only to feed the cats. Everything she needed was at NERV. Mundane things like bandages weren't important since she didn't make careless mistakes like this.

Shinji gently lifted her wrist and brought her finger closer to his face, "I'm glad it's not serious…" He said before licking the trickle of blood off her finger.

Immediately, she snatched her hand back, "W-What are you doing!?" Ritsuko exclaimed, taking on a blush as she realized that he did indeed lick her finger.

"Sorry," The former pilot replied by reflex, picking up the knife to start where she left off, "It's what I do when I cut myself."

"D-Don't be silly! People don't do things like that to each other!"

Shinji nodded before muttering another apology but the fact he thought nothing of it only succeeded to make the situation more awkward than it already was.

She was rarely embarrassed and never to this extent. Even with her cool logic, it was hard to dismiss it like nothing happen but that was exactly what she did in the process of regaining her composure, "You don't have to apologize. It's just…. Well, you don't want to make a habit out of licking old women do you?"

"You're not old."

Ritsuko nodded, "I'm glad you- Wait, you know how old I am?"

"Yeah," Shinji looked up in thought, "I think Misato brought it up one day when I asked when her birthday was."

For once, her eyes widened in surprise and Shinji smiled. While he did forget how old she was, Misato made sure to mention that she was extra sensitive about her age. After the shock wore off, she narrowed her eyes at him with a faint smile coming to her face, "Don't forget I know some things about you too Shinji."

It felt good to see the gloomy expression she had before was replaced with a smile and the day continued. For the first time, they causally spoke to each other. They ate the beef stew she claimed was her best dish and talked to each other just to pass the time.

In a single day, they learned things about each other they wouldn't have known otherwise but the one thing stood out to the blonde as she chewed on the meat.

"…and Misato used to stack the empty cans as high as she could until Pen-pen knocked them down."

Ritsuko placed her chopsticks on the side of the bowl, "You talk about her a lot." She remarked, the words he wanted her to deliver to his guardian still fresh in her mind.

"Yeah," Shinji sighed, "I miss her… and everyone else too."

Countless people died and to sum them up as everyone wasn't even a fair estimate. Still, it was only when he thought of them person by person did the fact that they were gone forever really hit home.

She felt the same way but she wouldn't let that stop her from finding out what she wanted to know, "How did she get you to pilot? No, why did you pilot Shinji?"

"She asked me to…" Shinji whispered, the shaky look in his eyes let her know what she wanted but she couldn't stop now.

"What is your relationship with Misato?"

He blinked the moment she posed the question and started to squirm under her gaze, "S-She's my guardian."

Ritsuko narrowed her eyes before lifting the glass of water to her lips.

It wasn't at all hard to tell that he was trying to hide something. Everyone knew that she was his guardian but there were signs that she was much more than that to him. Before she could even pose the question she really wanted to ask, Shinji was already heading to the sink with their bowls in hand.

"Thank you for the dinner." He said quickly before rushing out of the kitchen.

The doctor almost laughed when she heard him trip over one of the cats but her eyes were locked on the small cut on her index finger, "Tell Misato that you love her huh…" She whispered before getting up from the table.

0

"I should have at least got my SDAT from the apartment."

He turned to lie on his stomach in an attempt to get comfortable, grumbling as he recalled that Ritsuko reminded him she had a guest room but he knew he wasn't getting up the moment he laid down on the couch.

The couch wasn't all that bad. The reason he couldn't get to sleep actually had nothing to do with the furniture he laid on. Sleepy eyes looked at the glass doors that lead to the balcony and the gentle patter of rain seemed to become even louder than before. Ironically, he liked watching the rain. It was just the sound, though soft, was still enough to bother him and it made it hard to fall asleep.

Instead of trying to get the rest he needed, Shinji rolled on his back and looked at the ceiling before his mind skipped back to a question Ritsuko asked him earlier in the day.

What was he going to do with the rest of his life?

He slipped into a moment of quiet reflection. He thought about and made a list of things he could do, some of them straight impossible while others just wouldn't be a good idea at all.

It was only when she asked him what he planned on doing that he realized he never thought about the future, that he never expected to survive. Honestly, he would have rather traded places with one of his classmates. Everyone except him was always seemingly looking up at things he couldn't see but now their potential was forever lost.

Evangelion was something that introduced him to those people but, at the same time, it was the gateway to misery. He was the least likely person to have a future and he finally had one albeit at the cost of others.

Shinji dangled his eyepatch above his face, "Maybe I should have died…"

A murderer didn't deserve a future.

It was no wonder why he was crying.

Idly, he reached up to wipe his tears away until he realized that he wasn't crying. Sitting up, he heard another sob and knew that it could only be coming from one person.

Getting off the couch, he made his way through the dark apartment towards Ritsuko's room and peaked inside. It was hard to make out but, as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he could see the older woman crying into her pillow. Even though the pillow under her muffled her cries, it did little to stop the sound of her anguish from leaving the room.

Watching her, Shinji instantly felt his heart tighten in his chest.

A memory…

Just like the woman before him, he was crying in the confines of his room when Misato came. It was difficult to remember, pieces of that night lost in a dream like haze but the importance of it was something he would never forget.

Along with that memory was a mistake, a clear lapse in his conscience. She was there when he needed her but, when she needed someone, he was too scared to give her the comforting touch she gave him.

The blonde didn't notice him enter her room and continued to cry as he neared her bed. Squeezing the pillow with her arms, she buried her face in it after another sob escaped her.

Shinji gulped. It wasn't if he should pretend he didn't hear her or not anymore. The real question was what he should do. Taking a deep breath, he moved to the edge of the bed with his mind made up, "Doctor Akagi…"

She didn't respond but instead buried her face deeper into the pillow. Not knowing if she noticed him and just decided to ignore him or if she was trying harder to keep from being heard, Shinji started to see that calling out to her wouldn't result in anything.

Warily, he reached out and touched her back.

He could feel his heart thumping in his chest as her crying abruptly ceased. Ritsuko slowly withdrew her head from the pillow and turned towards the side of the bed, "Shinji…?"

The doctor blinked out tears as she looked up.

Shinji, his eyepatch left on the couch, looked down at her as he returned his hand to his side. Even though he was staring at her with different color eyes, her mind was not on the vermillion eye that shared the same concern as the navy blue.

Again, he was witness to her weakness.

This wasn't like the incident involving the clones of Ayanami. This time she was both emotionally and physically drained. She knew that if she kept her secret any longer that she was going to eventually lose her mind…

Shinji broke eye contact with her as he realized how vulnerable she looked.

Ritsuko was always so professional about the way she looked and acted so, when his eyes fell on the disheveled hair, puffy red eyes, and the way the strap of her nightgown loosely slipped down her shoulder, the least he could do was spare her the shame of being seen like that.

"I didn't mean to bother you, I-"

"I killed him." She gripped the pillow tighter, "I killed him and Rei."

He couldn't hide his shock after her admission. Even though he knew fully well who she was referring to, he couldn't bring himself to say anything before she continued.

"I hated both of them," She whispered as she laid back down, "He was only concerned with getting what he wanted. I didn't even care that he used me… I just wanted to mean something to him. I just wanted him to know I was there but he never really saw me."

"I miss him though…" She held back tears as she continued, "I miss everyone."

To say she was lonely was an understatement.

All the people she considered close were either gone or were about to be and she murdered the man she loved with her own hands. Nearly every night, she cried and tried to pretend she didn't. She successfully managed to fool herself sometimes but, in her heart, she knew she was growing more depressed with every passing hour.

Why did she deserve this?

Of course she wasn't the friendliest person around but she was just like any other woman. All she wanted was the occasional compliment and someone that loved her not because of her knowledge or her dedication to her work.

As the tears stared to come again, she couldn't help but feel horrible.

"Ritsuko…"

She turned towards him with the idea of asking him to leave but gasped when she realized how close his face was.

He kissed her.

Though sudden, it was nowhere near forceful. As he managed to get on her bed in the process of extending the kiss, her mind was on fire. Questions about why he was kissing her were disregarded but, even if she appreciated the thought, she knew she had to put a stop to this before it went any further.

Her honest intentions were lost when he touched her…

With his tongue roaming her mouth and his hand exploring places best left unmentioned, her mind traveled to a place where right and wrong didn't exist. She struggled with the thought of asking him to stop but she knew she wouldn't even be able to do that…

That was perfectly fine seeing that she didn't want him to stop.

For the first time, someone was being delicate with her. It was so different from what she was used to. The way he did things were so soft and the affection clearly there. She had to be dreaming… There was no way Shinji would or even could do something like this.

The feeling of his hand on her leg promised that it was more real than she thought, the intention of begging him to stop vanishing with the conclusion that this was a fantasy.

"Ahh…"

She didn't want him to stop.

"Shinji…"

0

Sunlight filtered through the blinds and landed directly on her face. Turning her head away from the light, Ritsuko opened her eyes. Judging from the rays entering from the window, the weather must have changed to the same extent of her mood.

Yesterday she couldn't have been more depressed but, today, she felt refreshed. Sitting up in the bed to stretch her arms, she suddenly remembered what transpired thanks to the state of her night gown and bed…

Instantly, she looked beside to see if Shinji was still there only to discover that he wasn't.

She panicked.

Was it wrong? Did he hate her? Was he gone? Was he still here? Was he scared of her? Did he think she was dirty? Was he thinking about her now? Did he want anything to do with her? Why did he leave?

Questions assaulted her from every direction and continued to do so until one of her cats jumped to avoid the opening door. Humming a song, Shinji walked in completely dressed with a tray in hand. Looking closer, she could see that he made breakfast for her.

"Sorry," He placed the tray in her lap and then adjusted his eyepatch, "I didn't mean to let you see it. It bothers people so-"

"It didn't bother me." Ritsuko cut in, blushing as she picked up the chopsticks. Even if she wasn't used to seeing people with eyes that were different from each other, something she wasn't used to at all was general kindness much less breakfast in bed.

As Shinji fought to get his eyepatch on right, she took a good look at him before returning to her breakfast. His relationship with Misato was clear now. It wasn't hard to see that something was going on but for her to turn to her charge to get what she wanted was…

'Was what?' Ritsuko thought as she bit into the toast.

Indecent? Morally wrong? Illegal…?

Again, she took a glance at Shinji who gave up on the eyepatch and decided to play with the kitten. He smiled as it chased after the toy he rolled to the other side of the room.

If Misato was wrong then what was she? Evil?

"I'm sorry about the things I-"

"It's okay," It was his turn to interrupt her, "Do you feel better now?"

"Yes but…" She turned away from him, her sight falling on the food in her lap, "Don't… Don't you hate me now?"

She honestly wouldn't be surprised if he nodded the positive. Not only did she reveal secrets to him that he would have been better off not knowing, she admitted that she murdered not only one of his fellow pilots but his own father. It would have been a chance she wouldn't have felt as bad if he had pulled a gun on her first but she didn't bother to think about details when she shot them.

"I don't hate you at all." Shinji lifted up the kitten with both hands, "I like you."

"Is that why…?"

"No… Well," He turned towards her with the cat in hand, "That's part of the reason I guess. I just couldn't leave you without doing anything and Misato said that was a good way to make someone feel better."

"You shouldn't… do that with people like me." Ritsuko whispered.

"You're not at bad person or anything." He placed the cat back on the ground, "We both did some bad things but I think it's alright enough if you regret it… At least you can feel something."

Shinji watched the kitten run off to play with the other cats, "If you want to think about it like that then I killed Misato when I ran away from her, I killed Mana when I let her leave, I killed-"

The tray was pushed aside and she got up. Her arms wrapped around the former pilot as she hugged him from behind, his list of regrets coming to an end as she embraced him. Again a hug was something she was unfamiliar with but the important thing was that it came from the heart.

"It's definitely not alright but don't say things like that…" She pulled him closer to her as she spoke, "You were just trying to protect everyone."

Even though she was trying to cheer him up he couldn't deny that she, without question, failed. Still, her touch and the fact that she was even trying was enough to make him feel better.

Ritsuko clung to him, her eyes still misty but her smile was proof that she was happy. He made love to this unlovable murderer and brought her breakfast like she was a queen but she was no such thing. She was only a petty woman who killed a man out of spite.

"It's alright…" He said, a sad smile touching his features as he gently squeezed her hand. He had no place to talk about being wrong or right considering the things he did, "Because I'm a murderer, too."

Continued…

Author's note: How many Ritsuko stories have you read lately? Thought so… but do you like her don't you? That's cool. Huh? You want me to stop making small talk already? O-Okay, to the next chapter we go…

CF


	2. Forget Me Not

Disclaimer: All rights reserved by Gainax.

Remember Me

Entry Two:

Forget-Me-Not

The room… looked sad.

It was an obvious understatement, the type of thing a passerby was more likely to say but he was anything but a spectator. He treaded lightly but it still felt like he walked on eggshells as he ventured into the stark whites and monotone blues that made up the room. As he crossed the tiled floor, the gentle hum of hospital equipment drowned out the sound of his unsteady breathing and his eyes nervously darted from the machines to the swaying curtains as he moved closer and closer to the bed on the other side of the room.

Hearing that she had visitors, the patient fought to sit up and barely managed to do it. Grabbing the bedrail to keep herself upright, his guardian stared at him as he neared her and titled her head before smiling.

Somehow, that lovely smile made the room feel just that more depressing…

With fluttering curtains and the evening sun as a backdrop, she quietly waited for and watched his reaction to her injuries with the same smile plastered across her face. His mouth almost betrayed him with a gasp even though he prepared himself before walking in. He held it back but his face didn't like, although he recovered from his shock in record time his expression was enough to make her look away.

"Misato…"

Looking at her now, he could fully understand why Ritsuko didn't allow any visitors. She told him everything on the way here, the long list of injuries something he didn't want to hear for the most part but actually seeing them was unlike anything he ever experienced in his life.

Misato was hurt…

The bullet wounds, the places where shrapnel ripped through her body, the arm she lost… He forced his eyes away from the empty sleeve and looked up at her face, half of it obscured by her hair. Behind those dark purple locks was the worst damage done to her vanity.

Shinji found himself stepping backwards, the thought that someone like Misato could be hurt tantamount to blasphemy. She was supposed to be invincible… The only thing she needed after the failed activation of Unit 03 was a new jacket and she could charge into a hail of bullets without even worrying about getting grazed much less getting hit.

He backed into Ritsuko who laid a reassuring hand on his shoulder. Misato covered herself with the bed sheet to shield herself from his eye, "Don't look…" She said softly, her voice a few octaves lower thanks to its disuse.

Shinji complied.

He traced the lines that divided the tiles on the floor with his eye, "Ritsuko said you'll be released in a few days..."

She couldn't have been happier to change the subject and the good news was one way to make the empty smile on her face become a real one, "We… We can go home now."

Ritsuko froze upon hearing her words.

For months, she was Shinji's guardian among other things. They lived with each other and had fun. It was the first time in her entire life she had been candidly content and, if Misato took him back, then she would be alone again.

She clearly recalled telling Shinji that they would keep their relationship a secret but she had no choice but to take action. There was no animosity of any sort just a need to inform her friend of the situation.

Stepping forward, the blond stared at her best friend, "He is living with me."

Misato knew where Shinji was every since she entered the hospital but hearing Ritsuko announce it reminded her how much time passed without her being there for him, "So?" The major retorted as her sight fell on the woman, not liking the way she shared that piece of information.

Ritsuko simply looked back at her, "I'm just letting you know."

"Um…" His guardian raised an eyebrow, "Okay?"

Ritsuko looked like she wanted to say more before she turned around, "I'll be waiting in the car Shinji."

He nodded as she made her way out of the room before he grabbed the chair left on the wall. Misato breathed out a sigh of relief as Shinji unfolded the chair and placed it at her bedside, "She must be having a bad day or something." She said, voicing what she had in mind while realizing something important at the same time.

They were finally alone.

There were so many things she wanted to talk about, to ask him about. Ranging from his eyepatch to Pen-pen, her mind was overflowing with questions but she had to ask if only to make sure.

The metal chair clacked against the floor as Shinji sat in it and looked up at his guardian who smiled back. It was a simple smile but one he missed nonetheless.

"Did Ritsuko do anything to you?"

The idea of them being together was so distant that the question was more of a reflex than anything but it was something about Ritsuko she just couldn't put her finger on.

Looking up into the light brown eye filled with hope and the smile that dazzled him, he knew that he couldn't tell her the truth. With a heavy heart, he looked directly at her and had not choice but to shake his head.

"No." He said flatly, his answer to her first question a lie and he could feel his heart cracking because of that. What if Misato saw through his weak denial? What would happen then?

"Dose she- No," She touched him. Her soft fingertips caressed the side of his face as she corrected herself, "Did you tell her about us…?"

Even if she never said anything about it, he knew without a doubt that Ritsuko knew about the relationship he had with his guardian. Again, her charge shook his head, "I didn't tell her."

At least half of truth was better than none of it.

Her wandering fingers brushed across his lips as her smile became brighter.

"You're still mine…"

"Visiting hours will be over in five minutes," A woman announced over the intercom, "I repeat visiting hours will be over in five minutes."

Misato frowned. He just came in a few minutes ago and he already had to leave. She had so many things she wanted to talk about...

"I missed you a lot." Shinji whispered as he stood up and grabbed the chair, "I'll come to see you tomorrow."

"Wait."

He looked over his shoulder as he folded the chair and placed it back against the wall. Misato looked at him with amusement written across her face, a sight he once thought he would never see again.

"Ritsuko told me that… Well," She paused and it was easy to see that she was having a difficult time getting out what she wanted to say, "I remember you said you loved me."

"Visiting hours are over." The voice flowed through the intercom and effectively killed any reply he could have made but Misato continued to grace him with a happy smile, "And," She ignored the announcement, "I want you to know that I love you, too."

Even though Ritsuko was waiting on him, he found himself wishing that he didn't have to leave.

0

Quietly, they ate while they sat beside each other on the couch.

The atmosphere would seem peaceful if one didn't notice the distance between them, the gap meaning far more than it seemed. This was the first time since they started living together that dinner was this silent. Normally they would be talking about random things, commenting on the cooking, or even sharing the occasional laugh but there no laughs this evening.

Ritsuko looked at him out the corner of her eye.

He looked so happy that she wouldn't have been surprised if he could make flowers bloom by looking at them.

It took this long for him to let go of Misato only for her to come back in miraculous fashion. She was most certainly on the eve of her death before she amazingly pulled through. Even she was glad her friend made it but the petty part of her could only acknowledge that all the time spent on helping Shinji bury his memory of her was in vain.

Their relationship with each other was one that was mature and stable. She had no gripes about how young he was or who his father was and he in turn made peace her faults a long time ago. The only obstacle she met with was Misato.

It wasn't so much that she tried to make him forget about his guardian, it was just she was trying to help him deal with the fact that she was dying. It wasn't easy but, eventually, he accepted it… only for something like this to happen.

Ritsuko could tolerate Shinji's feelings for Misato but…

"I'm sorry…"

"What are you apologizing for?"

Shinji sat the bowl of noodles on the coffee table, "I'm not going to forget about you or anything… it's just that I can't leave her alone." He whispered before placing his chopsticks beside the bowl.

He couldn't put into words how thankful he was that she was alive.

More than being a chance to take care of her, it was his opportunity to show her how much he really cared. He loved her in more ways than one. She was more than a guardian or friend. Misato was the first person to show him that being with someone meant getting hurt but it also meant being accepted.

It meant being loved.

Assisting her wasn't ever a question but a decision made long before he saw her in the hospital.

They looked at each other, not saying anything as they stared each other in the eyes. They didn't need to say anything. She could see his unwavering confidence, the determination he rarely put forth burning in his different color eyes as he smiled at his girlfriend.

Her hand came to rest on top of his, "I understand."

They didn't need touch in order to maintain their feelings for each other. They were connected by a mutual understand of each other and that itself was the basis their relationship was based on. That was why he could try his best knowing it would probably be difficult and that was why she would support him even though she couldn't deny she was jealous.

It was understandable that he'd want to see her. Not only was Misato the first person he was with but she was probably also the sole reason that Third Impact didn't occur. Ritsuko already knew she was a selfish woman but she had no problem with letting Shinji do what he wanted to do. Shinji was his own person. She trusted him to do what he wanted but, at the end of the day, return to where he really belonged.

That's why she was okay with it…

For now.

0

As promised, Shinji entered the hospital room only to discover that the patient he came to see was sleeping. Quietly unfolding the chair, he placed it at her bedside and silently waited for her to wake.

The radiant rays of sunlight that entered the room were the last thing on his mind as he looked out the window. His thoughts centered on the fact that she was alive. Alone, it was the fact that he would actually be able to speak to her again that made him happy.

Even if he was content, the fact that he gave up on her was still upsetting. Of course there was always a small bit of wishful thinking hoping that she'll just magically get up one day but Shinji knew more than anyone that wishful thinking amounted to nothing.

"At least I came early this time…" Shinji stated as he continued looking out the window.

Misato stirred and he stood up. The raven-haired woman woke up just like he remembered. With her face still half hidden behind her purple locks of hair, she slowly blinked a few times before sitting up.

Her brown eye widened with surprise as she realized that he was standing in front of her but the surprised expression gave way to a smile, "You didn't have to come this early." Misato said softly, rubbing her eye as she spoke.

"You should lie back down." Shinji found that her bright expression made him smile as well, "Even if you are being released in a while you should still get your rest."

"Hmmm? I thought I was the one who took care of you Shinji?" If her words weren't enough, the teasing look on her face was proof enough that she was back to her old self.

"I… um... Well-"

"I wanted to ask you some things Shinji." She voiced seriously, her tone interrupting his stammering.

"Oh?"

"Nothing much. I just wanted to know how you are doing. Ritsuko already told me about the important stuff…"

Shinji found himself not wanting to inquire about the important stuff she spoke of, "Ritsuko is taking care of me and nothing really happened to me besides this." He said before pointed at the eyepatch.

"Does it hurt…?"

He blinked, "Kind of…"

"You don't have to do it if you don't want to but can I see it?"

Shinji seemed nervous before but he became even more anxious if that was possible. She was about to remind him that he didn't have to do it until he quickly reached up and pulled off the eyepatch.

The dark blue eye was now a strange red. In a sense, it didn't bother her but the color seemed so off that it was almost disturbing. Despite that, she didn't turn away.

"I know that it bothers people so-"

"You never have to hide anything from me Shinji. I'll always accept you."

Her words stabbed him in the heart. If she knew what he was really hiding would she accept him then?

Before she continued, the door opened and a nurse strolled in pushing a cart. The lady gently made her way to the side of the bed and Shinji pulled the chair out of the way as she pulled the cart closer to the bedside.

Although the nurse didn't say it, it was obviously time for breakfast. Sliding the tray of food off the cart, she was about to reach for the plastic utensils until Shinji picked them up for her, "E-Excuse me but…"

The nurse faced the young boy after she placed the tray on Misato's lap, "Yes?"

"Is it against the rules if I, um, feed her?"

It was an odd question and Shinji was well aware that she could easily tell him no for various reasons. Wondering it he should have asked in the first place, Shinji patiently waited for the answer and permission was easily granted with a nod and light hearted smile.

The former pilot graciously thanked her as she left the room and she left with a promise to return in no later than an hour. She closed the door behind her and Shinji's heart returned to its usual pace… Well, it did until he turned back to the only reason he came to the hospital.

The feeling of redundant days brought on by the bleak appearance of a dull hospital room was completely and utterly overshadowed by a single person. In spite of injuries and perhaps even her own feelings, Misato drastically changed the atmosphere of the entire room with her smile.

Calling it a smile alone just didn't do it justice… That expression that defined joy, the dazzling brown eye that was focused entirely on him, and the way she tried to speak but simply couldn't find her voice amidst the joy she was in.

This was the Misato that he once thought he would never see again.

This was the Misato that showed him the way when he lacked direction.

"Ha, it is starting to look like you should be my guardian huh?" The major said aloud, clear amusement written all over her face.

This was the Misato that loved him more than anyone else.

Shinji shook his head as he picked up some of the scrambled eggs with a plastic spoon. With a shaky hand, he brought the spoon up to her lips and her mouth warmly accepted the food into her mouth. Swallowing it, Misato turned to Shinji as he returned the spoon back to the tray to get more eggs, "About your eye…"

He paused as she mentioned what he hid behind the eyepatch, "W-What about it?"

"Don't be ashamed of it Shinji," Misato placed her hand on top of his, "It's proof that you really did it… It's thanks to you that we are here today Shinji." She said softly.

Again, Shinji shook his head. Releasing the spoon, he slid his hand from under hers and put it on top, "I didn't do it alone… Everyone helped me even though I didn't know what to do."

"I… I was pathetic." Shinji took his hand off hers as he reached for the spoon again, "Everyone dying… Everyone needing my help and the only thing I did was run away."

"Shinji… You don't-"

"I even ran from you Misato..." He admitted, interrupting her in the process.

A light breeze came from the window but neither the boy nor his guardian took notice of it. Misato stared at him as she suddenly remembered what he was talking about.

That cruel message…

"It's okay," Misato whispered, forcing her memories of the event back from the part of her mind they came from, "You were scared Shinji… I under-"

"I'm going to make it up to you."

Shinji looked directly at her as he spoke and honestly meant every word. Not only did he leave her alone when she perhaps needed him the most, he ran away from her because he was scared to face her problems. If he alone couldn't handle the problems he was forced to deal with then how was he supposed to help someone else?

He couldn't go back in time and being sorry just didn't cut it. This was his chance to show her how much he really cared… how much he really loved her. This time he was going to take care of her. This time he was going to make sure he never had to hear her cry again.

"Shinji… You don't have to make up anything to me."

He raised the spoon to her mouth and, again, she ate the eggs. Taking his time, Shinji lowered the utensil and picked up the toast before breaking it in half, "I'm going to take care of you this time."

"You're trying to say I can't do anything?" Misato posed the question with a smile as he handed her the toast.

"It's not like that… I'm going to help you like you helped me. If it wasn't for you then… I…." He trailed off as he used his forearm to wipe his eyes before tears even threatened to come down his face.

"Shinji…"

"I'm so happy you're alive. I thought I'd never see you again," Shinji offered a smile to match hers despite how watery his eyes were, "I'm not going to make the same mistakes this time." He said clearly, his resolve easily managing to warm her heart.

It was just like Shinji to quietly declare something and then secretly work hard at it. From chores to piloting, he may not have enjoyed them but he tried as hard as he could. That's why, when voiced, his declaration was even more touching.

Giving her top priority, ensuring that she was always comfortable, and doing the things she could no longer do more than likely came naturally to him but she knew more than anyone that it was difficult for him to say some things out loud.

However, one of the things she realized when she woke up was not Shinji's resolve. These injuries stripped her of one of the things she cherished the most. More than the veil of vanity she used to hide her insecurities, the lost of her independence was, at times, overwhelming.

Even if it put a bit of a strain on her, she could properly feed herself. She only allowed it since she didn't want to be a hassle.

"Here." He whispered as he raised the spoon to her mouth.

She opened her mouth but, at that exact time, something horrible happened.

The same window that provided her with gentle breezes allowed a sudden gust of wind to blow into the room and the purple locks of hair in front of her face were swept to the side. The moment lasted for mere seconds but that was all it took for the chain of events to take place.

Shinji's eyes instantly landed on the part of her face she tried so hard to hide. Misato gasped as his eyed widened in surprise and he discovered that the hand that was once holding the toast was now on his chest.

She pushed him away which caused him to lose his footing and, thanks to how quickly she turned around, her breakfast flipped over the bed's railing. Thanks to his reflexes, Shinji managed to avoid falling flat on his back but he didn't react fast enough to stop the tray full of food crash on the floor right beside him.

"Don't… Don't look at me!!" She screamed.

Shinji stared at her in disbelief. Now he knew what she sought to hide but it was the fact that she pushed him away that really hurt.

A couple of nurses came into the room instantly and Shinji brushed the eggs and grits off himself as he stood up. Under the watchful glare of the nurses, he was starting to sweat but he had a good excuse.

"I'm sorry. I… I tripped." He said hastily, the women's eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"We're going to have to ask you to-"

"Don't!" Misato cut the nurse off although she was still facing the window, "It was my fault."

The shorter of the two nurses fixed her glasses as she walked out of the room and was followed by the other, "I'll call the janitor but please be more careful."

Shinji nodded as he wiped the grits off his sleeve, "Thank you…"

No sooner than the nurses left out the room, Misato, with her face once again half obscured by her hair, turned towards Shinji as he started to clean up what he could, "I'm so sorry Shinji… I didn't mean-"

"It's alright..."

"No, listen to me!" Shinji stopped what he was doing and turned to the woman, "I was going to show you but… but I don't want anyone to see it. I'm sorry for pushing you away. Really…"

Even though the way she pushed him was burned into his mind, Shinji made no mention of it as he stood up, "I'm okay... I'm going to the restroom to see if I can clean myself up." He said softly, pointing at some of the food that was still on his clothes.

He was still a terrible liar.

"I'm okay." Misato repeated his words as he left the room, already knowing that she hurt his feelings. He was trying his best and, not even two days in, she hurt him.

With a sigh, she reached out and closed the window.

Continued…

Author's note: I should have started this in the first chapter but in every author's note from now on I will feature random question time. Aren't you happy? No!? You don't want it? ;-;?

Alright, to the next chapter we go…

CF


	3. I'm Back?

Disclaimer: All rights belong to Gainax.

Remember Me

Entry Three:

I'm Back?

There was a time when he believed sunny mornings were the bane of his existence. To him, mornings were the worst part of the day merely because he was never a morning person. The good weather, something that would usually inspire one to get up, was something Shinji cursed not only because of the sunlight that seemingly blinded him but because it stressed how early he always had to get up.

Shinji yawned as he pushed the wheelchair through the halls of the hospital and the person he was escorted looked over her shoulder at him, "You didn't have to come Shinji. Ritsuko said she had it under control… and I can do things like this by myself."

The sound of her voice made him stand straight up but not before covering his mouth to stifle another yawn, "It's okay. I wanted to be here." He responded with a smile.

As he carefully pushed the wheelchair, he again took note of how peaceful it was here. When he normally visited in the evenings, it was so hectic that it was difficult to get around without trouble but the orderly, calm nature of the place made him feel relaxed.

The tranquil feeling he associated with the hospital was similar to the way he used to feel about the place when the Angels were attacking. While it wasn't exactly a haven, it was always a place that gave him that brief moment of rest he needed.

He imagined that was how Misato pictured it. She was so preoccupied with work that what little free time she did have at home was just a distraction compared to the mountain of paperwork she had to deal with most of the time not to mention the Angel attacks.

However, what Misato thought of the hospital was the exact opposite. Of course she was grateful to be alive but being cooped up in a room for so long didn't do much for her overall opinion of the place. To her, the hospital was a place to get aid and then go right back to work. Any longer and then it was a problem.

'Speaking of problems…' Misato found herself looking down as she thought of how she wanted to apologize for what happened the other day.

It was something she couldn't afford to mess up. She of all people knew that Shinji was too sensitive a person to take being hurt so many times… Even now, the look on his face after she pushed him continued to haunt her and, if she didn't do anything about it, the accident would just continue to trouble both of them.

"Shinji…?"

He rubbed his eyes, "Yes?"

"I know you're still sad about what happened the last time you came here…"

Shinji, now fully awake thanks to her refreshing his memory, shook his head even though she couldn't see him, "I really meant it when I said it was okay. Don't worry about it."

"No," Misato said as he continued to wheel the wheelchair towards the electronic doors, "Shinji… tell me the truth." She looked over her shoulder at him, "Now."

He sighed before he stopped pushing the chair and kneeled down to get on eye level with her. Looking into the brown eye that stared at him, Shinji smiled, "Misato, it kind of bothered me at first but I know it was a mistake. I got over it already, it wasn't even something to apologize for."

Misato turned away from him and watched some people leave the hospital, "It's just…" She paused, sighing as she lowered her head again, "I didn't mean to push you. I didn't want to hurt you Shinji… You're the last person that I'd want-"

"Misato," He started as he began pushing the wheelchair again, "It's okay. Honest."

He meant it. Although it was true that he did feel a bit bad at first, he always understood that it was just an accident. It was simple, he almost saw something she didn't want him to see so she took the necessary steps to stop him.

"I want to show you now…"

He raised an eyebrow as the electronic doors of the hospital opened for them, "Misato?"

She was never one to back down or cower away from something so seeing her tremble at the idea of showing him the injury was something that was heavy on his heart, "I-I'm not scared to show you Shinji."

He opted to instead look forward into the parking lot as they ventured outside the hospital. The early, summer sun warmed both of them but the subject was as cold as the metal the wheelchair was made out of, the stern way she looked into the distance proof that it meant a lot to her.

She wasn't scared to show him.

She was horrified.

The thought of letting him see her like this scared her like few things ever have and he knew that he didn't have the heart to look. Not because of how beautiful she was before but because of how sensitive she was about the issue.

Even now he could clearly remember how much she hated the scar on her chest but, compared to her present condition, that was nothing. He couldn't look… He couldn't and wouldn't hurt her anymore.

But…

The last time she shook like this was when Kaji died. If she was opening up to him and was depending on him to tell her that it wasn't as bad as she though, then he had to do it.

He couldn't let her down anymore.

"S-Shinji?" Her nervous voice derailed his train of thought and he was forced to make his decision. There wasn't any in-between, he either did it or he didn't.

Slowly taking in a deep breath as he reassured himself, Shinji walked to the front of the wheelchair and crouched, "Misato, look at me." He said tenderly, putting his hand on her shoulder as he spoke.

He could feel her trembling as she raised her head. The light brown eye that stared directly at him contained all the horror he thought that it would but he came too far to back out now. If she wanted him to look, then he was going to look.

Using his hand to usher her hair to the side, it wasn't long before he saw what scared her so much. He quickly adverted his eyes after seeing what she sought to hide so desperately but his composure was intact. Shinji managed another smile, "It's okay!" He exclaimed as he stood back up, "Ritsuko said you can get cosmetic surgery after you're feeling better. Well, that's if you-"

"I do! I… really want that…" She stopped shaking, the fear seeming to roll off her shoulders as he spoke. His reaction shocked her but her expression softened because of it, "Shinji…"

"I'll be right back," He muttered before turning around, "I'm going to go ask Ritsuko if she can bring the car over here."

Relieved beyond words, Misato was at a lost for words and could only nod as a small smile appeared on her face. She was aware that they could make her look better, probably with ease but her current state was the most important. If he didn't accept her now, how would he be able to do it later? With that behind them, she was certain that he was still the same… With that, getting their relationship back on track was the next big step to take.

Sadly, her sentiments weren't shared by the boy who walked away from her. Shinji wasn't thinking about their relationship but rather her injuries. He was able to somehow downplay his reaction but, on the inside, he was without shaken to the core.

Not that he was so shallow to say that the injuries to her face ruined her but it only added to his shattering image of her. Misato was someone he looked up to but the fact that she was in such a condition served to reinforce what he tried so hard to ignore.

She was looking up to him now… She was depending on him to give her the comfort she gave him, the reassurance that she was still the person he loved. It wasn't at all about how she looked. The roles between them really and completely reversed but his resolve was still present and as strong as ever. He had to take care of her now and that was something he was determined to do no matter what.

"Shinji?" Ritsuko cast a concerned glance in his direction, "Are feeling okay?"

The boy in question looked up as Ritsuko started the car, "I'm alright… Do you mind bringing the car to the front for her?"

It was easy to see that he was distressed but she knew he would tell her if it was something important, "We'll fold the chair up and put it in the back but we really have to get going. I have a job interview in a few hours and I have to get ready."

He nodded before walking back to the front of the hospital as Ritsuko drove the car passed him. With thoughts of Misato swirling around in his mind, he made his way back towards her wheelchair and was warmly welcomed back with a smile, "I feel better now Shinji." She said as he took her by the hand and helped her to her feet.

She leaned on him, suddenly aware of how tall he was now. Her arm wrapped around his frame as she savored the moment. This was the first time since the attack that they were this close to each other, "You are stronger now huh?"

"No…" He said softly, the glare he knew Ritsuko was giving him burning into his back, "You're just thinner Misato."

"I'm so glad." She whispered, pressing herself into him as much as she could.

She missed him so much… Every day she thought about him, hoping for a day she would see him again. Every day she wondered when she would be able to touch him, to go home with him and that day was finally here.

"Misato…" His guardian eased off him but the prying eyes of his girlfriend were still locked on his back, "Let me help you into the car. I'll make lunch when we get home."

The purple haired woman nodded, "Okay."

0

Playing cards were something that her mother used to frown upon. The scientist that she was hated the concept of gambling. The whole idea that the loser was decided by the luck of the draw was something that annoyed Naoko to no end but, because of that, she overlooked the fact that playing a game could be fun in spite of that.

Even now, Ritsuko didn't know if it was just another way to defy her mother or just simply because she enjoyed it but she was certain that playing card games were one of her favorite things to do.

"You just cheated!" Shinji exclaimed, holding back a laugh as he pointed at the card under the table.

"So?" The blonde smiled before drawing another card, "I know you're hiding a card up your sleeve."

Caught, he laughed as he scratched the side of his face, "I only cheated because you did…"

Seeing Shinji laugh relieved her. This morning, the hug he shared with Misato didn't exactly worry her but instead showed her the things that were sure to come. She wasn't selfish to the point where she would stop him from assisting an injured person…

Above all, Misato was still her friend.

Even if Shinji was the one who possibly prevented Third Impact, one could just as easy credit his guardian seeing that it was on her behalf that he even bothered to pilot.

Ritsuko placed her elbows on the table and quietly watched Shinji pick up the cards, "I'm really grateful." She stated as she brought her chin to rest in her palm.

"Why's that?" He asked, his face turning a light shade of pink as he pulled a few more cards out of his sleeve.

"I remember when I used to play alone." Ritsuko focused her eyes on the deck of cards he shuffled, "You're the only person I ever enjoyed playing with."

An image of her playing alone immediately struck him, the smile he had on his face replaced with a concern as her words joined the picture in his mind. Shinji looked down at the cards he held, "I would have played with you."

"I know." She admitted, knowing that he would have if she asked.

Shinji knew that she really loved playing cards but the most important thing wasn't that he played with her or the fact that he liked to play with her. Back then, he didn't notice or even think about how lonely she or anyone else was but right now she was content with him just being here.

He set the cards aside as he thought for a moment, "Now that I think about it, you do beat me every time we play."

"Well," A sly smile found a home on her face, "That has more to do with you losing to me on purpose doesn't it?"

With his sad attempt to flatter her backfiring, the only defense he could muster was a broken string of words, "Well… Um…"

The sound of footsteps approaching could be heard from the hallway and Ritsuko looked over her shoulder at their new roommate. Misato yawned as she stretched her arm in the air, "Oh? You're playing cards?"

He nodded as he turned his attention back to the deck of cards he put to the side but sighed upon realizing that she walked into the room, "Misato, I carried the wheelchair up here so you wouldn't have to walk around..."

"You should do something about your table manners also," Ritsuko remarked, looking over her shoulder at her friend, "You ate and then went straight to sleep."

Shinji chuckled, "Well, she doesn't cover her mouth when she yawns either."

"Really?"

"Yeah, and she-"

"Hey!" Misato cut in as she stepped closer to the table, "When did this turn into a conversation about my manners?!" She yelled, scaring the kitten that pawed at her leg.

"We're just joking." Ritsuko said as she got up and looked at her wristwatch, "Anyway, I'm about to leave."

She had left him alone with Misato before but, even then, she wasn't that far away seeing that she was just in the parking lot. This time, she was going fairly far away and she had good reason to worry considering that his guardian wasn't bedridden anymore.

Ritsuko lowered her arm as a feeling of shame started to pull at her.

Misato was more than likely one of her only remaining friends and she was hurt. This was only day one… If she couldn't contain her selfish feelings for at least one day then what was she going to do later? What would be the point of keeping it a secret then?

"Shinji," The sudden mention of his name broke the uncomfortable silence that settled in the room. Ritsuko started walking towards the front door, "Come with me, I need to talk to you about something before I leave."

Nodding, he got up and followed her outside leaving Misato to shrug before looking for something else to eat. Closing the door behind him, Shinji looked at the afternoon sky while he waited for her to speak but she did more than just talk.

She gave him a brief kiss on the cheek.

His shock slowly gave way to a smile as he noticed how much she was blushing. Ritsuko was the type of woman who wasn't shy when it came to talking to people and he would definitely more bashful about sex than she was. However, it was the little displays of affection that were the most difficult for her to do.

"Thank you." Shinji said, the smile on his face making her rethink her decision to go to the job interview today.

The bright shade of red on her face took a darker color, "You aren't supposed to thank me for things like that…"

"I know," He agreed as he stepped closer and hugged her, "It's a habit."

It wasn't quite like the hold Misato had on him earlier in the day but her worries were washed away with relief as he embraced her, "It's better than apologizing all the time."

"It is…"

For a moment, Ritsuko honestly wished she could spend the rest of the day in his arms. She was without a worry in the world and the person she loved the most was comfortably holding her close.

She used to lie to herself, used to tell herself that she didn't need things like this when she actually craved them more than a person should. Back then, she held on to her work so desperately because it was there for her. It didn't matter what it was. It was there for her, NERV was a place where she was needed.

Still, paperwork and theories couldn't accept her and never would. All she ever wanted was to be accepted and she found acceptance in the most unlikely person. With his hug starting to cloud her judgment, Ritsuko was thinking of going back into the apartment with him in tow but…

A bird soared through the afternoon sky in a beautiful arch but Ritsuko didn't see it. Her eyes were wide; a mild shock enough to make her blink a few times till she realized she nearly forgot that Misato was here now. The peck she gave him on the cheek was probably the most that would happen between them today…

"Shinji…" She said with a shaky breath, "Please don't let her do anything to you."

She knew fully well what she was requesting and what she was asking him to do.

Ritsuko knew she was weak. She couldn't leave the apartment without thinking of the things that could happen while she wasn't there but she was asking him to be strong enough to resist the woman that supported him for so long. She needed his touch every so often but she was asking him not to fall into the temptation that she knew Misato was.

She was asking him to alienate her.

"Don't worry," Shinji said to comfort her, the impact of her words apparent as he backed away, "Nothing is going to happen."

"I know but-"

"Trust me."

"Okay, I'm going to leave Shinji. It'll only take a few hours so I won't be gone long," Ritsuko turned around and looked at the sky as she spoke, "Don't be scared to call me if you need me."

With the setting sun as giving them the last of its light, Ritsuko turned and started to walk away. Shinji watched and waved at her girlfriend and, not before taking in a breath to steady himself, walked back into the apartment.

Before long, he found Misato sitting at the table playing with the cards he left there. She casually looked over her shoulder at him as she drew another card, "Oh? I was beginning to think you left with her." She voiced flatly, her lack of interest something that was easy to see.

"We were just talking for a while." Shinji said as he walked passed her.

"About what?" His guardian inquired, her eye locked squarely on him.

Naturally he was prepared for that question, "Your medicine."

When she held her response, he started to fear she saw through his lie but she simply turned her attention back to the cards, "Figured as much. Ritsuko gets really serious about things like this."

He was becoming a better liar but that really wasn't anything to be proud of. Dismissing that piece of information, Shinji pulled the chair back and sat in the same seat he was sitting in before.

"You know," Misato picked up another card off the top of the deck and looked at it, "I never liked card games."

Placing the card in a stack to the side, she picked up another one, "It wasn't that I didn't like gambling. It was fun sometimes but… I don't know how to say it. I guess it just felt like I never got any good luck."

"Always end up feeling like I was cursed…" She drew another one, discarding it the moment she looked at it, "Always one step forward but three steps backwa-"

"Misato," Shinji sighed before he continued but it wasn't out of frustration. He knew what was happening and he expected it to come sooner or later, "It's not like that."

She threw the card she held towards the stack, "It wasn't until I got here that I really realized how much things changed. The GeoFront is pretty much destroyed… Everyone is gone…" Her sight fell to the floor, "I don't even feel like myself anymore."

With her words, not only did his feelings form a tighter knot around his heart but her empty sleeve and the hair that hid half of her face told him things that were obvious but hurt nonetheless. The woman in front of him was no longer the confident major who boldly faced the world but, at the same time, she was still the same person he knew better than anyone.

This was the real Misato, the vulnerable woman that hid her weakness with counterfeit smiles and masked her insecurities with vanity. Before, it was easier for her to hold up the façade but now…

"Do you… Do you want me to get the arm and skin grafts?"

While he was thankful the topic of their conversation changed, talking about this wasn't any better.

"It's not about me. As long as you're comfortable then I'm okay with whatever you choose."

Misato tilted her head, a smile appearing as she stared into the red eye that looked back at her, "Shinji, what if I said that it is all about you?"

He blinked, "Huh?"

"I care about how I look but what other people think of me is important too… This time it isn't people but just you Shinji. From now on, I'll only be for you."

He was starting to feel uneasy but he hid it well. What she said would have been a clear cause for concern if Ritsuko was around but the important thing was how he replied, "I can't tell you what to do…"

Even if she couldn't quite move like she used to, Misato had the ability to do things with words that normal people couldn't. Her charming smile was something she only used for two occasions. One when she asked him to bring her a beer.

"I'm not asking you to do that." The eye stared at him with narrowed, "I just want a straight answer. Yes or no?"

The other when she put him in a precarious position. When someone was off balance, they didn't have the state of mind to form a lie or dodge a question. Sometimes she was direct, blunt enough to make him gasp. Sometimes she was subtle, allowing him to trip up and let what she wanted to know slip out of his mouth.

She wasn't going to let up until she got a definite answer.

And so time passed as he thought, minutes ticking away while he considered what could happen after he spoke. He idly scratched the side of his face as he looked up in thought while his guardian waited. More time was lost in pursuit of his answer and Misato started to drum her fingers on the table. She was about to look at the clock above the stove until Shinji raised his head.

"I don't know."

That was the truth. He couldn't shake the feeling that it wasn't for him to decide and, even if he did, that didn't necessarily mean she would agree.

The blank expression on her face slowly evolved into a smile which later became a chuckle that later turned into a laugh. Even if it did seem like the world was flipped upside-down, it was still good to see that Shinji was virtually the same.

It wasn't until her laughs died down that she noticed that he was still thinking. Taking her time, she quietly took a good look at him for the first time in a while. She was so used to seeing him in his school uniform that anything besides that and his plug suit was a pleasant surprise.

Sadly, what he was wearing pretty much the same as his uniform except for the addition of a tie. The white, button-up shirt fit him loosely allowing her to see the white tee shirt that replaced the navy one he usually wore and she already knew he was wearing some black slacks. The way he had his sleeves rolled up somewhat reminded her of Kaji but it wasn't the clothes that stood out to her.

He looked mature. Not to say that he wasn't already, it was just that he looked older than he really was like he was ready to take an entrance exam for some university or something. The thought of him being in college did make her happy but she couldn't deny that she suddenly felt distant… So far away from him that it was alarming even though he was physically sitting across from her.

It felt like he was leaving her behind.

More than anything, she dreaded the day he would come to his senses and leave her. She knew, she always knew that he was too good for her so she wouldn't fault him when he eventually did move on to better things someday.

There were going to be girls who treated him better, young women that could help him more than she ever could.

"Misato…?"

Girls that were going to look better than she ever did.

Shinji abruptly stood up fast enough to rock the table, "W-What's wrong?"

Especially now…

Misato felt the tears starting to come but she made no attempt to wipe them away, "I…"

Concerned, he moved away from the table and went to her side, "Does it hurt somewhere? Should I call Rit-"

She grabbed him.

The grip her hand on his wrist mirrored the grip her tears had on his heart but she said nothing. She just looked up at him as she silently shed her tears, a single brown eye peering at him through the tears and begging for what she really wanted.

Shinji shared her silence but he made no attempt to act. His heart was chained to a vow he swore to keep while his feelings were bound by a promise he wouldn't break, to him both were important.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. An apology she knew he didn't want but it was still an apology for so many things, "C-Can you hold me again?"

He offered his hand, something he swore he would always hold out for Misato no matter what, and slowly helped her to her feet. Resembling the hug they shared earlier, she leaned on him as he slowly wrapped his arms around her frame. Aside from the shuffling to make her more comfortable, they stood still.

"I don't care what you do." Shinji whispered, taking her by surprise, "I mean it doesn't matter how you look, you're still Misato to me."

He could feel her tears dripping on his neck, he could feel her trembling against him. Although his guardian faltered, it only served to strengthen his resolve.

Why was she crying? What made her so said? Questions he couldn't presently answer but anyone could tell she was miserable and that was something Misato didn't deserve to be at all.

So why was it so hard for her to just be happy?

Continued…

Author's Note: Man, looks like things can't possibly end up happy huh? Everyone is battling with some issues right not but shall we drop just a little more drama into mix?

CF


	4. Nostalgia

Disclaimer: All rights belong to Gainax.

Remember Me

Entry Four:

Nostalgia

"What!!" Misato screamed loud enough to wake the dead but the chill that conquered him had nothing to do with the undead. He was sure the temperature in the room dropped the moment he said what was on his mind.

"Are you kidding?!" The purple-haired woman continued, barely containing her anger, "C'mon Shinji! It's not like I'll be falling down the steps drunk or anything!"

"I'm serious…" Shinji stood his ground, talking as he turned over the pieces of beef he was searing, "You can't have any alcohol." He said calmly, his voice making it clear that he wasn't joking with her.

He was serious and he wasn't going to let her change his mind no matter how much she tried to sweet talk him. Not only did she just get out of the hospital but, if she drunk too much, she would probably be even more off balance than she already was.

While the meat browned, he took a quick glance over his shoulder.

Just like he pictured, she was still fuming at the thought of having to live without her favorite beer at least for now. Though, it was kind of funny to see Misato wearing Ritsuko's clothes since they dressed so differently.

A long skirt and a turtleneck sweater… The ivory cross of her necklace rested on top of the black cotton, the fact that she was wearing one of his tee shirts underneath it something he didn't notice until she raised the sweater to scratch her side. He knew she hated it the moment he saw her but she tolerated it without saying anything.

He thought the clothes looked nice on her but Misato refused to halt the crusade on behalf of her brew, "You're thinking I'm going to be falling and stuff after I get a drink two because my equilibrium is off a bit?"

Shinji turned back around to watch the meat, "Are you really okay?"

As expected, the question caught her off guard, "Huh…?"

"Do you feel better now?" He asked, his back facing her as he cooked.

"You don't have to ask me things like that," Misato replied smoothly, regaining her composure in the process, "If you're with me then I'm fine no matter what happens."

He reached over the food to turn down the heat, "It's just… I don't want you to cry anymore Misato."

Misato sighed, it wasn't like she wanted to. It was harder for her to keep a grasp on her feelings but she could do it for his sake. She leaned on the refrigerator as he cooked, watching him simply because she had nothing to say.

It wasn't like this before.

Every relationship had its up and downs but it was like they were on a constant decline every since she woke up. It wasn't that they argued or anything like that… It just seemed like the gap that was created when she was in the hospital wasn't filled yet even though she was here now.

The sound of the front door opening reached both of their ears but neither acknowledged it until Ritsuko walked into the kitchen with grocery bags in hand, "I'm home."

"Welcome home."

"Welcome back."

It wasn't hard to tell by the sound of their dejected voices that neither of them had a good day. She sat the bags down on the countertop before suppressing the urge to greet her boyfriend with a kiss like she always did.

Shinji picked up a piece of meat and held it up, "How did it go?"

"I don't know. He said they'll call but I doubt they will," Ritsuko said before she started pulling stuff out the bags she brought in, "How about you two?"

Misato spoke before he could, "We played cards."

The blonde looked up, "That's it?"

"Nothing else to do," Her friend replied as she made her way out of the kitchen, "I'm going to wash up. Come get me when dinner is ready."

Ritsuko turned to her boyfriend after his guardian left the room, "So what got her down?"

"I told her she couldn't have any beer."

She thought as much but she knew there was more to the story than Misato not having her favorite thing to drink, "And?"

Shinji set the skillet on a different ire, "She cried…" He answered her question but was sure that she wanted to know more than that, "She didn't tell me why though."

Her expression softened, she wasn't trying to pry. She just felt compelled to do something thanks to the way he was acting, "Do you want me to talk to her about it?"

He shook his head as he moved to the cabinets to get the plates, "I don't want to bother her."

While it was truth that he didn't know why she cried, part of the reason he didn't was because he was scared to ask. Still, he already had all the facts he needed. Misato was virtually breaking before his eyes… Knowing what brought her to tears wouldn't change anything, asking probably would have made it worse.

Seeing the look on his face, Ritsuko decided to change the subject, "Well, do you want to me to help you?"

"I'm almost finished…" Shinji said as he reached for a spoon, his thoughts centered on what happened before his girlfriend got back.

With a smile, Ritsuko reached around him and placed her hand on top of his as he stirred the noodles, "You're being too apprehensive."

The gentle feeling that came from her hand being on top of his was appreciated and the light gesture was more than enough to give a bit color to his cheeks, "What should I do Ritsuko?"

That was a question she was waiting for, the question she had been expecting since they first visited Misato. She knew he wouldn't like the answer regardless of how long it took him to ask. The blonde looked down at the boiling pasta, "Shinji, we are going to have to tell her eventually."

He knew that.

Keeping it a secret was bad and having her believe that their relationship was still the same as before was even more deceitful but being unable to tell her the truth was even worse.

"I said we." His girlfriend reminded him, her arms surrounding him as she spoke, "You don't have to do it by yourself."

"I don't want her to be sad. It's the first day…" Shinji sighed, "The first day and I messed up already. If I pull this on her now…."

He trailed off for good reason and Ritsuko nodded despite the fact that it was inevitable. No matter how much Misato thought she was handicapped, she was still as bright as ever. Recovering clouded her senses for now but it wouldn't take long for her to see through their thinly veiled attempts at keeping their relationship a secret.

"Shinji," Ritsuko released his hand, her fingertips trailing up his arm as she spoke, "Misato isn't going to take it lightly but she won't be alone."

"We are her friends," She continued as he blankly stared ahead, the things she was saying exactly what he needed to hear, "Just because we're together, it doesn't mean we are going to ignore her especially when she's hurt."

One thing he always admired about Ritsuko was how practical she was. While he was easily swayed by the things that stood in his way, she accepted life in stride and kept moving forward. It wasn't something he possessed now but he could at least try to emulate it.

The light in his eyes returned, "Thank you Ritsuko."

Even now, she wasn't used to being treated with kind words, "Y-Your welcome."

This wasn't NERV, Project E was over, and she didn't have a job right now. Even if she did, none of those things would trump Shinji. For the first time in her life she didn't need work to distract herself because she had what she wanted for the majority of her adult life. In an apartment she rarely used until now, she had someone that loved her and she wasn't going to surrender him merely because Misato was hurt.

It would be stupid for Misato to selfishly tie Shinji down, to take away his potential to be known for something other than piloting. If his guardian had her way Shinji would ultimately be reduced to being something akin to a nurse or a butler, probably a combination of both.

"It's ready." Ritsuko put her thoughts on pause as Shinji announced dinner was ready, "Can you get Misato for me?"

She walked out of the kitchen and headed for the guest room without a word. It came as no surprise that he didn't want to see her just yet but, deep down, Ritsuko didn't want to see her either.

Shrewd eyes ran over the door that led to the guest room she let Misato use.

It was cracked open, the sight of Misato sitting on the edge of the bed messing with her hair a sight she had long since become accustomed to. The decommissioned major sat in the dark looking into a mirror she held in her hand, what little light she did have coming from the hallway.

"Misato," Ritsuko called out.

She jumped, "I'm not-"

"You look fine," The doctor pushed open the door and walked into the room, "Let's go eat dinner and then I'll talk to you about your medicine."

"Easy for you to say." Misato said bitterly, tossing the mirror to the side.

She did not look fine in any sense of the word.

It looked like she got hit by a goddamn train and she said she looked fine. For one, she didn't have one of her fucking arms anymore and she had more scars to accompany the one she had on her chest. She was disfigured, someone that turned heads for the wrong reasons now.

"It is easy for me to say." Ritsuko countered, not at all taken back by her words, "Trying to latch on to vanity is pathetic when you should be satisfied that you are even alive."

"Don't preach to me Ritsuko." A dangerous look escaped the single brown eye that stared at the blonde, the other still hidden behind her hair, "I mean it. I don't feel like hearing any of that right now."

She promptly turned on her heel and left the room, leaving Misato to wallow in her self pity if that's what she wanted to do. Perhaps she should have used a different tone or even refrain from saying those things in the first place but she truly meant what she said. It wasn't an attempt to hit her while she was down or pure animosity given birth by the opportunity.

More than anything it was insulting…

Misato refused to let go of the idea that he wouldn't accept her as she was. To think that the most prominent figure in his life didn't even have that much faith in him constantly annoyed her and a small bit of her frustration managed to escape.

Shinji looked up when she entered the kitchen, "I set the table and everything. What do you want to drink today?"

"Shinji," Ritsuko held back a sigh, her favorite part of the day once again stolen by their new roommate, "Misato isn't eating with us."

"Is she okay?"

"She's… fine." She did sigh this time, her choice of words could have been better.

Sensing that she wasn't in the mood to answer some of the questions he had, he nodded and lifted a plate off the table, "I'll go and-"

"Let her get it herself."

"Is it that bad?" Shinji asked, lowering the plate back on the table as his girlfriend nodded. He placed the plate back on the table, the aroma that filled the kitchen pleasant enough for him to consider taking a seat in front of his own plate but he couldn't think about himself anymore.

He walked out into the hall and stared at the door Ritsuko stood in front of a few minutes prior. It was closed, the hallway seemingly growing longer the more he thought about going to talk to her.

"Don't." Ritsuko picked up a fork, "She'll come when she feels like it. If we keep giving her leeway on things like this then she'll start to take it for granted."

"Misato isn't like that…" Shinji said in her defense, "She just isn't feeling-"

"Do you want to be her butler?"

He knew exactly where Ritsuko was coming from. It wasn't a hard argument to make and reason was on her side but she just didn't know or couldn't see how much he owed Misato. There were so many ways to answer her question but an explanation was something she would call for in short order.

His sight came to rest on the door again, "I swore that I wouldn't let her down this time Ritsuko."

"Shinji, listen to me." Ritsuko turned away from the food and waited until she was looking into his different color eyes, "You can't promise things like that. Sometimes people have to be disappointed." A light smile came to her face as his shoulders slumped, "That said, isn't that the kind of promise you should be making to the woman you sleep with anyway?"

Though his face took on the color of a cheery, he knew she was right. He didn't agree completely but it was fallacy to believe he would make sure Misato wouldn't be sad again. It wasn't like he didn't fail already in that regard earlier today.

Ritsuko didn't say anything but her warm smile and the way she looked at him made it feel like her hands were gently ushering him to the table to eat with her. He would but he couldn't help hoping that Misato would join them.

0

Disgusting.

Shinji angrily spat out her blood, the red splattering on the metal of the elevator as he headed for Unit 01. He used his forearm to wipe the excess off of his mouth. The blood was smeared across his arm, drips of red staining his shirt.

He was too angry to cry, too frustrated to scream at his incompetence. The empty space beside him was reserved for her but the only thing that accompanied him was the metallic hum of the elevator traveling upwards.

All of this was his fault.

If he didn't run away from her again then he would be out there helping Asuka right now doing anything he could to stop this but he was standing in an elevator all to aware that people were dying because he was the most pitiful person on the planet.

In admitting that, his fears came to light and the dull clicking of the elevator passing floors did nothing to relieve him of the truth. Instead, cobalt eyes looked at the red on his shirt and arm.

It was his fault Misato died.

Shinji raised his hand to his face, his eyes growing misty as he saw the crimson that was there. He tried to apply pressure to the bullet wounds but she softly, almost peacefully told him it was too late.

No, he killed Misato.

If he had known… Only if he had known that they were there waiting for them. He would have shielded her, the idea of him dying better than the alternative by far.

Shinji was crying for sure now but, in his rage, he almost forgot that Misato did leave something with him. He tightened his grasp around the cross, the shape imbedded in his palm as he recalled her last words.

"For me…" He repeated what she said just a minute ago. Seconds after the kiss, seconds after she pushed him into the elevator using all of her remaining strength.

The pilot smiled in spite of himself, tears still streaking down his face as he licked some of the blood on his arm. For her? Did she know what he was going to do? Did she even stop to think about the things he was going to do the moment he got inside Unit 01?

He didn't know either and he didn't bother to consider what was going to happen. He didn't care about himself anymore, something that was true for far too long but this time he didn't care about anything that concerned him aside from finding a way to get in Unit 01.

For her, Shinji Ikari was going to personally destroy anything he even remotely thought was involved with the attack on NERV. For one Major Misato Katsuragi, he was going to become the devil some suspected Unit 01 really was.

He openly acknowledged that Misato was dead but, because of that, many more were going to die.

"Misato…"

0

"Shinji are you awake?" Misato poked him in the cheek, "C'mon you sleep lighter than this." His guardian said as she continued to poke him.

"Misato…"

She paused just long enough to see that he mumbled it in his sleep. The annoyed poking turned into a solid pluck in the forehead and her charge bolted up, "Wha- Huh… Misato? Do you want something?"

Shinji yawned as she sat down on the couch, successfully ensuring that he wouldn't be able to lay back down unless it was in her lap. Too sleepy to even wait for the answer he placed his head in her lap and was on his way back to sleep until he fell victim to another pluck.

"Did…" He had to stifle another yawn as he rubbed his forehead, "Did you eat yet?"

"That was hours ago," She replied as he again rested his head in her lap. This time she didn't have to worry about him falling asleep though as she started to play with his hair, "Thanks for putting it in the microwave for me…"

"No problem…" He whispered, closing his eyes as he spoke, "As long as you are happy…"

Deciding this would be her best chance, a devious smile came to Misato's face as she messed with his brown locks, "Shinji," She purred, "Will you pretty please let your favorite person get her favorite thing to drink?"

"Sure…" A sleepy smile appeared as he shifted around to get comfortable, "I'll make it for you later okay?"

While she was quite certain that was one thing Shinji couldn't do, the idea still made her giggle. Even though he didn't know the first thing about alcohol, he would probably try for her sake. Either way she wasn't going to press him about it anymore. The real reason she woke him up was more important than having something to drink.

She gently shook him awake again, "Shinji?"

"What is it this time?" The boy in questioned looked up with lidded eyes, his voice not quite annoyed but he was starting to feel that way.

"Come sleep with me…"

Shinji's eyes snapped opened and almost popped out, the hope that what he heard was wrong something he held onto until he looked up at his guardian, "What?"

"I'm lonely," Misato explained quickly, "We don't have to do anything…" She blushed, pausing as he fully started to wake up, "Unless you want to."

This was the situation he was dreading. It was only the first day Shinji reminded himself, the early hours of the second to be exact but the fact remained that things were going so much faster than he thought they would. For some reason, he was thinking at most she wouldn't be asking things like this for a week or two and when she did it wouldn't be hard to talk her out of it.

Much to his chagrin, his predictions were so off that he felt stupid for making them.

'Excuses…' Shinji thought. He raked his mind to think of something, anything that could get him out of this situation. Something in the back of his mind reminded him that he could always tell her the truth but, in spite of the talk he had with Ritsuko earlier, he knew that he could never do it.

"We… We can't." He mumbled, "What if Ritsuko sees us?"

That was the best he could come up with.

"I wanted to talk to you about that."

His heart stopped. Her words reason enough for the bead of sweat building on his brow. What could she have to say about Ritsuko? The answer to his unasked question something he silently pondered until Misato reached out and touched him.

"It doesn't matter."

To her, it was just as she said. Ritsuko was housing them but calling a taxi could remedy that. Right now, she wanted him next to her and she honestly didn't care what the blonde said or did about it. Just like that, she dismissed her friend as her only concern came to forefront of her mind.

The apartment was so quiet that Misato swore she would be able to hear sign language if someone used it so she wouldn't be surprised if Ritsuko could hear their conversation. That had to be the reason he looked so uncomfortable.

She licked her lips, "I want-"

"Misato," Shinji cut in, as he quickly got up to face her, "It matters."

He stood in front of her. His tired voice was a reflection of his day, his words the only truth he could muster. Ritsuko was right… It was silly to think that he could cater to her every whim. Sleeping with her in another person's home? Sleeping with her in his girlfriend's apartment? Sleeping with her in apartment that belongs to the person who watched over her for months on end?

Sleeping with her at all?

Shinji tossed his eyepatch on the coffee table, "It matters…" He repeated, his train of thought something that was tearing him up inside.

She didn't like it.

Misato shook her head, the hair that eclipsed the other side of her face swaying because of the motion. Shinji saw the burns, he saw the scars but he didn't flinch. Instead, he stood his ground and braced himself for the barrage of words that were going to come. The hand that was once playing in his hair was balled up into a fist but the scowl she had when she was angry wasn't there, "This isn't about Ritsuko is it?"

She didn't like it at all.

Shinji wondered what she was getting at until he noticed the fist she made was trembling, her hair once again obscuring what she felt made her ugly, "I swear that's not the reason!" He cried out, "It's just not right Misato…. That's all."

His guardian crossed her legs and leaned back into the couch, "Might as well call it wrong huh Shinji?" She said dryly, as she looked at the clock.

"You're putting words in my mouth now… I'm saying-"

"Why are we arguing?" She interrupted him with something she was thinking about since he stood up.

"Good question."

Wide eyes locked onto Ritsuko as she smoothly walked into her living room in her nightgown. Flicking on the lights, she stood in front of the switch and calmly looked at her roommates. Shinji paled the moment she stepped into the room but Misato always recovered from shock quickly.

"Ritsuko," The latter of the two addressed her without turning around, "I…" She looked at Shinji before making her decision, "We have something to tell you."

She stood up to make her announcement but everyone in the room already knew what she was going to say…

Continued…

Author's Note: Things are starting to get serious now but allow me to say something important. I'm inconsistent my friends. ;.; All this time and only one chapter!? Don't worry, I got more on the way and I learned to accept that I won't be able to update stuff regularly but I still got a lot more work to do.

CF


	5. Endear

Disclaimer: All rights belong to Gainax.

Remember Me

Entry Five:

Endear

"We have something to tell you."

Shinji didn't dare speak much less try to look at either of them as his guardian stood up. It was all too obvious to Ritsuko that this was something that was hurting him but this was also something he would have to tolerate until he was ready to tell her the truth.

"Ritsuko," Misato, on the other hand, was oblivious to his plight as she wondered how she was going to say it without sounding wrong, "He… Shinji…" She stopped to exhale and collect her thoughts, "Shinji is my boyfriend."

"I love him." His guardian continued undaunted, "I really love him Ritsuko."

The way she responded would determine more than the future of her friendship but the doctor was still calm despite that. Ritsuko feigned shock, her eyebrows rising as she looked at her friend, "I had my suspicions but…."

Her arm uneasily hugged at her side as she looked down at the floor, "You don't think it's wrong… do you?"

"It's not wrong to love someone but let's talk about this later." Ritsuko said as she stepped towards the couch, "You know better than anyone that you have to get your rest and you didn't take your medicine yet."

Misato started to tear up, the way she spoke to her friend before dinner weighing heavy on her in light of the way Ritsuko treated her now. This was something that society would deem wrong, the implications something that would be felt not only legally. With a few words she was able to convey the fact that this was an actual relationship and Ritsuko understood.

"I'm so sorry for talking to you that way earlier…"

The blonde smiled, "I know you were just tired. That's why you have to go to sleep Misato."

"I'm glad," Misato nodded as she followed the doctor's advice, "I'm glad you understand Ritsuko. We were going to keep it a secret but I'm not going to hide it anymore. I really think it'll be better if we're open about it." She matched Ritsuko's smile with one of her own and turned towards her charge, "Right Shinji?"

His expression...

That blank, empty gaze was something she felt before. His face was buried in his palm but his eyes peaked between his fingers at her. She knew he wasn't looking at her though. He was thinking.

He was thinking about something sad.

Misato knew what that meant more than anyone ever should and was about to waste no time figuring out was wrong until she faltered, nearly falling until she steadied herself by placing her hand on the arm of the couch. Ritsuko was right. She was tired, even doing this much was stressing her to this point but…

That was the same way he looked when she pushed him inside that elevator.

Hopelessness was something Misato thought was a myth until she saw it written across his face. Even now, his expression haunted her but she couldn't forget how he looked as the doors closed in front of her. She wouldn't let herself forget that so she asked him.

"Shinji… What's wrong?"

He didn't hear her.

Ritsuko did and walked over to him. With a knowing smile, she put a hand on his shoulder and looked back at their roommate, "Go to sleep Misato."

Reluctantly, she listened but she couldn't help but wonder if she did something wrong. Did telling someone about their relationship bother him that much? Was he worried that he didn't have any say about it? Did…

Did she mess up again?

Musing over the state of her relationship was something she was used to now, thoughts concerning why carried into the guest room as she headed for the bed. With Misato gone, Ritsuko had a few things to discuss before she went to sleep but the gaze that made his guardian react like that was now focused on her.

Shinji sighed as he lowered his hand, "You were there the whole time?"

Ritsuko didn't lose her smile, "How did you know?"

Her boyfriend ignored her question and asked another one of his own, "Why didn't you do anything?"

That was all he wanted to know. Why didn't she try to intervene? Why did she just watch from the sidelines as he dealt with at situation she knew was going to be difficult. Not only did she watch it unfold but she didn't even lift a finger to help him.

"I wanted to see what you said." Ritsuko admitted, the tone of her voice almost mechanical, "I wanted to see how you handled it when I wasn't around."

"I don't…" He turned his back to her, "I don't believe you did that to me."

"You are doing this to yourself Shinji." Ritsuko voluntarily reminded him that he chose for it to be this way. She told him early on that they should have told her. The longer this went on without her knowing, the harder it was going to be to tell Misato the truth.

"You're mad because I just didn't say no?" Shinji walked back to the couch and took a seat, "You're angry because I can't tell her?" He asked before cradling his head in his hand.

"Not at all," Ritsuko said coolly, "Hearing another woman say you're her boyfriend doesn't make me happy if that's what you wanted to know."

While it didn't have anything to do with what he did, she was indeed somewhat angry at Shinji but she knew that a good deal of it was just jealously. She couldn't match the bond Misato had with him and never would.

It made her sick to think about it but she felt the same way when she was with Gendo and Yui died more than a decade ago. She tried her hardest and she couldn't even contend with a dead person.

The sound of shuffling caused her to look down and she saw that Shinji laid down, his back to turned to her as he tried to get comfortable on the couch again. He was angry, something that was made clear when he pretended she wasn't in the room anymore.

It wasn't the same… She wasn't a replacement and he really loved her. He didn't give in to Misato when he was alone with her and he kept her at a distance even though she was persistent.

She turned off the lights, "Good night."

Shinji didn't respond but Ritsuko was a woman that was used to scorn. It probably looked like she was unfazed but it couldn't have bothered her more. He was angry at her and it hurt knowing that it was going to be like this until she told Misato the truth.

Ritsuko stood in place and watched him knowing fully well that she was going to have to do what he couldn't. For his sake, she would do it alone. She would tell Misato everything, not leaving out any detail no matter how small.

"Good night."

He surprised her but her shock gave way to a smile. She already knew that he was kind but just his response, just a few words to know that he wasn't that mad at her was enough to make her grateful.

"Good night Shinji."

0

Misato groaned as she sunk into couch, "I thought you would understand that a woman needed certain things to get by."

Ritsuko pushed her reading glasses back up to the bridge of her nose, walking through the living room on her way to the kitchen, "You know those things don't include beer."

Another poor attempt by her roommate was brushed off as she looked at Shinji's report card. Naturally, she wouldn't allow him to get any bad marks while he lived with her and she was proud to see that he did improve. Not having to worry about an Angel attacking undoubtedly helped him in that regard as well.

"What's that? His report call or something?" Misato called through the house, silently lamenting over the fact that Ritsuko didn't own a television.

"It is." The blonde answered before walking back into the living room with her glasses in hand, "He's so serious about school that he doesn't even let me help with homework."

"He didn't let me help either if it means anything to you." His guardian looked over her shoulder at Ritsuko, "I didn't know it meant that much to him though."

"Well, no one wants one thing to define him. He doesn't want to be known as being a pilot and studying can open the door to new things." She circled the couch and laid Shinji's report card on the coffee table, "My mother used to press me a lot… Other kids used to get rewards from their parents for good grades but my mother didn't even reserve any space for the awards I got."

"Ritsuko…"

"School is a good thing nonetheless."

"I guess it is but I'm kind of worried." Misato paused long enough for Ritsuko to sit down next to her, "I don't like it when he's not around…"

"You can't exactly sit in class with him." She said as her roommate idly glanced over the report card.

"I'm not joking Ritsuko, I can hardly think straight when he's gone. Shinji is… I…"

She trailed off again, the thought of Shinji meeting girls at school something that sidetracked her. It would sound too selfish if she just outright said it to him but, seeing that she understood that their relationship wasn't something perverse, she knew Ritsuko would get where she was coming from.

"I don't want him around other girls…"

"Be realistic." Ritsuko gave her friend the best advice she could, "Some of his teachers are women not to even mention his classmates. Thinking like that will make you paranoid more than anything else."

"I'm not saying I-"

"Misato, do you know how many times you said I?" The blonde continued, "If you're that selfish about it then you'll only tie him down."

His guardian looked up, the questioning look on her face making it apparent she didn't understand, "And what's wrong with that?"

"What's wrong with that?" Even though she liked to think she was in control of her emotions, Ritsuko was stunned, "You can't do someone like that Misato. If you restrict his access to things and people how do you expect him to learn? To grow as a person?"

"You know I don't mean it like that." Misato sighed as she looked down at the evening dress she was wearing, something else out of Ritsuko's closet, "Shinji is mine…"

The moment she spoke those words, the doctor unconsciously clutched her reading glasses as she quickly repressed the intense desire to let her friend know that he wasn't.

"…what he wants to do but I can't protect him anymore now." Misato was still talking, unaware that her audience was considering telling her something life changing. Ritsuko was still listening but she just couldn't let this continue and this was the perfect time to set things right. It wasn't because of something petty like being upset she said something like that or jealousy.

It was just because it was the right thing to do.

In a way Ritsuko was never one to do something for the sake of her integrity but, no matter how elementary it was, she learned from Shinji that doing what was right was often more important than just looking out for yourself.

"Misato," The brown eye that peered at her looked interested, awaiting the insight she was sure to provide. Ritsuko had her undivided attention now.

This was the perfect time to do it.

Shinji wasn't here and she honestly wanted it that way. Even before last night, she doubted he would be able to tell Misato their secret so it was up to her to do so.

"I know how you feel about him but don't you feel like you are holding him back?"

"I'm not doing anything like that… I wouldn't do anything like that." Misato stood to face Ritsuko, the spark of tenacity she lost in her plight came alive in her words, "I might be handicapped but I'm not trying to make Shinji into anything less than he is. If anything, I'm the one who wants to see him become the best at whatever he wants to do."

Somehow, Ritsuko forgot.

Day after day spent seeing his guardian at her worst made her forget how she used to be. She forgot that this how she really was. That simple attitude that made her so easy to approach and her smooth way with words was a central part of her character, something that was as, if not more, important than the looks she was so proud of.

It made her feel stupid.

On the event that she did tell her the truth, she couldn't shake the feeling that Misato would merely laugh before going down of list of why Shinji loved her above all others. Ritsuko always knew that she couldn't compare to Misato especially in the eyes of her boyfriend.

"We're going home soon Ritsuko." Misato unknowingly dropped a bomb on her friend as she walked towards the kitchen, "I really appreciate all of this though. I mean that."

"No…" Already feeling defeated, the blonde faltered, "You can't go back to that apartment."

"Why?" Misato was quick to ask without turning around.

She understood how Shinji felt that night as she was put on the spot but she was far from grasping straws. The truth would have to wait… This was something she couldn't let happen lest Shinji leave with her but the sound of the door opening was something that made both women stop what they were doing.

Oblivious to the conversation that he was interrupting, Shinji stepped into the living room dressed in his uniform, "I'm home."

"Welcome back."

"Welcome home."

Shinji watched both of the women turn to look at each other then at him.

"How was your day?" Misato was quick to ask and attempted to remedy the situation but to no avail.

"Alright…" Shinji said, as he reached up with a shaky hand and pulled off his eyepatch, "What were you talking about?" He inquired with baited breath.

Being uncomfortable was something he put up with most of his life. This was different though. As he walked over to the couch and placed his books on the table in front of it, he could tell that something was off. Something was obviously wrong and the fact that neither of the women seemed ready to answer was starting to bother him.

Ritsuko was the first to receive his nervous gaze. The blonde stood beside him with her arms crossed and head hung low, her eyes glued to the fringes of the rug. Seeing that was reason enough to turn towards Misato who was more than ready to tell him what he wanted to know.

"I was telling her we were going home tomorrow."

"What…?"

A mixture of relief and dismay washed over him all at once. He was scared the moment he stepped into the apartment, afraid that what he was thinking about all day actually happened. Thankfully, that wasn't the case but it was then that he realized the magnitude of what she said.

A stray glance at Ritsuko told him she already said what she had to say before he got here. Once again, it was up to him to reason with her.

It was up to him to lie to her.

"You have to stay here until you're well enough for the surgery. You know that." Shinji sighed, "We-"

"Forget the surgery… Let's just go home."

She meant it.

Misato looked directly at him as she said it, half of her face still eclipsed by her hair. She was okay with this and if she was okay with it then he should be fine with it. With that reasoning, it wouldn't be a bad idea to forgo to reconstructive surgery if it meant they could go back home.

"Don't you want to go home?"

It took every part of his being to stop from telling her this was his home. This was the place he lived and the place he could always return to. The apartment his guardian spoke of was not his home anymore.

"Misato, I live here. This is my- No, this is our home now." He couldn't bear to look her in the face and tell her another lie and try to trick himself into believing it was in her best interest, "Ritsuko is going to help me take care of-"

"No! I want to go home!" She stomped on the floor, "Why?! Why do you want to stay here so bad? Is there something-"

"Misato!" Shinji yelled, finally reaching the peak of his patience, "I can't take care of you by myself!! That's why we have to stay here!"

The truth seeped out of the lie it was sealed in and her position was realized as she bowed her head, "Oh…" Came the subdued reply, the woman that said it slowly nodding as she acknowledged the obvious.

They were already catering to her needs but she was being selfish. No wonder they looked so hurt by the things she said. She was being more than unreasonable. She was being a baby and she knew it.

She still wanted to go home though. Missing an arm didn't make her an invalid and she could take her own medicine. She just wanted to wear her own clothes, sleep in her own bed, rest in her own home and more…

She was tired of being here.

Ritsuko took her leave of the living room, leaving Shinji alone with the former major. He said nothing to her though and she said nothing to him. He told her how it was going to be and she couldn't do anything to change his mind when they all knew he was right.

They weren't leaving and that was the end of that.

0

"That was the first time you ever yelled at me…"

Shinji turned over on his side and watched her eat, "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to say that." Misato used her chopsticks to push the curry around, "I was being stupid."

It was late, just like it was last night but she couldn't sleep with this on her mind so she woke him up. Just like that it was another midnight conversation but her charge was fully awake this time around.

Still his eyes were closed, the fact that she turned on the lamp reason to keep them shut, "If you went to sleep at the right time then you would be able to eat dinner with us Misato."

"I don't ever feel comfortable with Ritsuko around…" Misato admitted, "Every time I see her, I feel like I'm living off charity or something."

He sighed, "That's the reason you want to leave?"

"One of them," She responded quickly, "I was ready to go back home before I got here Shinji, I thought we were going back to the apartment when Ritsuko came to pick me up."

"You know that wasn't going to happen. The apartment is almost on the other side of the city and I haven't cleaned over there since…."

Asuka.

He froze, an ominous feeling sinking in as he realized he didn't think about his late roommate at all. He didn't donate a single thought to the lost pilot…

All he could remember was that he hated her just as much as she hated him but she called for him. She screamed for him when they tore at her, she begged for his help and the only person he could think of at the time was the woman in front of him.

Shinji slapped a hand over his mouth, the feeling in the pit of his stomach beginning to come up. He literally started to feel sick as he remembered that he ignored her.

"Shinji…? Shinji, what's wrong?"

He didn't care what happened to her, he heard her screams and he didn't care about anyone aside from the person he thought was already dead. He saw what remained of Unit 02, the jagged strips of red and various parts of the machine sliding off the lances of the Mass Production series proof that they held nothing back.

Asuka was far from a martyr though… She died but it didn't matter, he didn't care. He saw the halls filled with technicians and mechanics, people who couldn't even fight back but he wasn't thinking about them for real.

He forgot.

That was exactly how he was feeling when he broke out of the bakelite. In the midst of his apathy, there was only care for one person and she was dead so he wanted to break the world that killed her.

Shinji snatched the blanket off and got off the couch as fast as he could. Oblivious to what Misato was saying and doing, he ran towards the bathroom and all but kicked open the door.

He threw up right then and there, unable to hold it down any longer. People he didn't bother to think about continued to surface, names and faces he pushed to the back of his mind kept appearing even though he tried to force them back where they came from.

"I-I'll go get Ritsuko!"

With a shaky hand, he reached up to flush the toilet but he was far from finished.

Continued…

Author's Note: Man, things are getting serious now but this doesn't have anything on the next chapter.

CF


	6. Come And Go

Disclaimer: All rights belong to Gainax.

Remember Me

Entry Six:

Come and Go

Ritsuko paced the bedroom, arms crossed over her stomach as she walked the length of her bed. She took a quick look, brown eyes darting towards the clock before looking over her shoulder but what time it was mattered little to her right now, "Misato, tell me exactly what happened."

The younger woman was already wiping at her eyes, "I was talking to him and-"

"Why?" The blonde interrupted her, "He still has to go to school today."

"Frankly, I don't care about fucking school right now Ritsuko." Misato was obviously taking it worse than she was, "Just tell me what's wrong with him! That's why I woke you up!"

Ritsuko sighed. She hated being woke up so she was already anger when Misato roughly shook her awake but a fear like no other gripped her heart when she mumbled something about Shinji.

"I told you he was alright," Her eyes landed on the boy resting on her bed, "He's just exhausted…"

"Thank god…" Misato all but collapsed on the bed, "Thank god he's okay."

"You never finished telling me what happened."

"Probably because you cut me off!" His guardian snapped backed, "I was talking to him about going home." Misato caught the flash of shock on the doctor's face, "He was about to say something but then he just covered his mouth and ran to the bathroom."

Ritsuko moved closer to the bed, "What did you say Misato?"

"I said I was tired of being here, that I wanted to go home."

"If you want to leave that bad then I'm not going to stop you."

This wasn't the same conversation they had earlier, this time Ritsuko wasn't going to back down. It was all Misato's fault that he was like this; she was the one who stressed him this much. Was she really too slow to see that this happened because she kept bothering him?

"If you want us to go then we'll be gone when he feels better." Misato stood up to face Ritsuko as she spoke. This was exactly what she was trying to tell Shinji, one day Ritsuko was going to get tired of dealing with them. She knew Ritsuko was the type of person that didn't tolerate others for long and Shinji was here for a long time already.

"I didn't say anything about Shinji going with you," Ritsuko made sure to make herself clear, "He's staying right here Misato, you're not taking him anywhere."

"Don't play games with me Ritsuko." His guardian looked her in the eye, "I don't care what you say about me but I'm not in the mood for any games."

"Misato… He's staying-"

Shinji coughed as he sat up in the bed, his throat still burned from vomiting but he couldn't quite shake the feeling that made him feel so disgusted with himself in the first place. He was met with the concerned eyes of both Ritsuko and Misato as he tried to talk but all that resulted from his effort was another coughing fit.

His eyes widened as Ritsuko touched him in front of Misato, her palm sliding under his bangs to feel his forehead, "How do you feel Shinji?"

"I feel better now." He carefully move away from her hand and attempted to get up, "Thanks."

The blonde wasn't having it and, with a gentle push, returned him back to her bed, "You're staying here tonight Shinji. Okay?"

It was definitely not okay but, judging from the way she looked at him, he didn't have a choice. He honestly didn't feel better but he couldn't tell them truth.

"Shinji…"

Misato called his name and he turned towards her the same time Ritsuko did. She was crying, she was openly crying but she made no attempt to stop, "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry for bothering you all the time."

It took her friend being reduced to tears for Ritsuko to remember that she was just that… her friend. They could argue about the intangibles all day but they loved the same person. She was lashing out at Misato not because she wanted to leave but just because she was here and that wasn't something she was in control of in the first place.

She was the one being selfish not her.

Shinji forced a smile, a strained one at best but it was still a smile, "It's okay, I like when you bother me."

Misato nodded, blinking out tears as she smiled. She motioned to get closer to the bed but a look at Ritsuko stopped her. The blonde didn't say anything but the look in her eyes practically begged her to turn around and go, "Leave him here. You should go and get some rest yourself or you'll probably be the one getting sick and… sorry for what I said."

She accepted her apology but she had to ask, "Can you let me stay in here?"

"Not this time, let me watch him tonight okay? No more chatting at midnight though."

Reluctantly, Misato walked away from the bed and left the room. Both of them watched as she made her exit and, the moment Ritsuko was sure she was gone, she spoke, "The way she panicked, I thought you died or something."

"No… I just didn't feel too good after dinner."

She slowly rubbed her hand around in his hair, playing and tangling her fingers in his locks as she spoke, "You just should have told her no if you were sick. She shouldn't have been waking you anyway."

"I can't say no to her when it's for something like that." Shinji relaxed under her touch, "I get tired of having to come up with excuses and reasons why she can't have something so it is the least I can do."

The blonde smiled, "You can't say no to me right now then."

"R-Ritsuko?"

"I'm joking Shinji, go to sleep."

On her word he closed his eyes and went right back to sleep just like she cast a spell on him. The woman smiled as she slid into bed right next to him, getting as close as she could without disturbing him. She touched him again, ecstatic to have even this much contact with him.

"I love you."

Words that were once too hard for her to even put in a sentence seem to magically slip out her mouth. Idly she reflected on the days when she practiced saying the phrase in front of the mirror, the exercise in self-confidence failing horribly as she saw her reflection crying.

Those words… No, the feeling behind them belonged to the person sleeping next to her and she owned Shinji, not Misato or anyone else.

"I love you so much."

0

He was awake, fully clothed and standing in front of a room that once belonged to him. The name plate that once adorned the door was broken, lying in pieces a few feet away. It was something Misato got for him…

This was just one out of many things in disrepair. In fact, the whole apartment could be considered broken in retrospect. The only reason he would return to this place was for his cello and even that was something he left behind in the very room before him.

Shinji slid open his door with a sigh and, seemingly, stepped onto another plane of existence. This room was a world by itself, the atmosphere created from painful things he experienced his whole life. There were some bright spots here and there but, overall, this was room was a stain in his memory.

His room, of course, was neat but dusty. A thin layer of dust collected in the room, coating some of the things he held dear like his SDAT and cello. Though dusty, everything in the room was tidy aside from his bed. In his hurry to get to the last funeral, he forgot to make his bed and never returned to do so.

Ritsuko bought him new clothes and anything else he needed. With that, there was nothing here he wanted anymore. Not even his beloved cello was worth coming back here.

"Wow…" Misato stepped into this world without any of the misgivings he had and marveled at the state of the room, "I was thinking that we'd have to clean the whole apartment up or something but all we really have to do is dust a bit."

Again, Shinji sighed.

"Misato, we can't stay here… We don't have your medicine and did you even open the refrigerator?"

The lone reason he came was because he couldn't stand the thought of her being completely alone. With that in mind, he pushed his nausea back down and put on his uniform moments before the taxi she called arrived.

An arm was draped over his frame, the still taller woman holding him as she pressed herself against him. The reason she wanted to come over here so bad definitely wasn't to restock the refrigerator.

"Why is my room so clean Shinji…?" She asked, her lips edging ever closer to his ear.

"Ha," He smiled, closing his eyes as he remembered hoping for the best regardless of the fact that Misato was probably dead, "I was waiting for you to come back."

Misato was taken back, her hand unconsciously clutching his shirt as she thought of him cleaning up her room all by himself after she was the one who all but destroyed it. She found herself wanting him even more than before, her patience was something she already found slipping away the more she tried to restrain herself.

"I was waiting for you Shinji." Misato couldn't help but smile herself, reflecting on all the time she spent thinking about the boy she held, "I couldn't wait to have you all to myself."

They didn't say anything and both thought back to the days spent alone albeit for very different reasons. While Misato retained thoughts dedicated to only one very special person, Shinji's thoughts weren't mutual.

He couldn't help thinking about a shy blonde that occasionally managed to say things to him that she couldn't say before, the woman who tried so hard to make it seem like she wasn't trying her best every single day.

"We have to go before Ritsuko gets home."

"Fuck that." Misato said without pause, "I'm not going back to that apartment and I'm not wearing her clothes anymore."

"Please… She's already going to be mad that I skipped school for this and you need more than just instant ramen. We can come back some other time, let's just go back before-"

"No, I'm not leaving Shinji. I don't care about the beer anymore… I don't even care about the operation. As long as we can stay here together then I don't care about anything else." She stepped back, releasing Shinji to look at the room they shared each other in so many times before, "I still have enough money to get some food. You can get to school from here. I can dust everything off when you're at school tomorrow as a matter of fact."

She walked over to his bed and sat down, bouncing a bit until she rested her eye on him. It wasn't hard to tell what she wanted based on her expression but Shinji was more than reluctant.

"Let's talk to Ritsuko at least. Okay?"

"You like her don't you?"

He loosened his tie, "W-What?"

Shinji was already starting to sweat as Misato quietly looked at him but he was ready. He was ready to lie as much as humanly possible and he hoped that she would believe him even a little. Silently, he prayed to any god that would hear him as Misato leaned back on his bed.

"You don't have to lie you know." She effectively killed him, her words turning into a spinning knife in his heart as she laid down and looked at the same ceiling her boyfriend used to see so often, "I could tell that you liked her a lot…"

He wanted to say something. Anything but his throat was starting to get tight, adultery something that was lovingly strangling him to death. Instead, he raised his hands in defensive denial and waved them around as he shook his head as fast as he could.

"Cute." She laughed at him, playfully breaking his heart as she sat back up and placed her eye on him again, "You have a crush on Ritsuko huh? It makes me jealous you know."

"It's not… It's not anything like that!" Shinji cried.

Her misunderstanding was something he was thankful for but the bare notion, the thought that she had an inkling of what was really happening scared him too much to let it pass.

"I'm sorry…" Misato blinked, she didn't mean to make him angry or anything, "I-It's just I can tell how close you two are."

"You don't have to apologize Misato, let's just leave before Ritsuko gets back from work." Shinji headed for the door and once again left behind the things he once considered important, "Let's go, I'll call the taxi this time so try to get all the clothes and stuff you-"

"Alright alright," Misato muttered, dismissing him with a hand, "If you want to leave so bad then you can go and I'll stay here myself."

She was hoping it didn't come to this but if she had to play that card so be it. She watched with mild interest as Shinji halted his retreat and turned around, "You know I can't do that…"

"All we have to do is change the sheets in my room and then we can spend the night."

"Can we please go Misato? We can all talk about this over dinner." He reached in his pocket and pulled out his cell phone, the display on the front of it told him all he needed to know, "I should be making dinner right now…"

He was striving to hold onto his new life but, for their sake, she would change it so it suited both of them. They had a relationship and, even if it wasn't going as well as she had hoped once she left the hospital, it was still a relationship and they still loved each other.

That was why she had to escalate things.

Just being around him was good and all but having him live solely with her would be way better. Besides, she was still his guardian and she was sure he'd feel better if they were alone with each other more often so…

"You erased the message off the answering machine…"

He froze, nearly dropping his cell phone as she mentioned one of the darkest parts of their relationship. Misato turned away from him as she changed the subject. She already knew it was wrong but she couldn't think of anything else.

If this was what it took to keep him here…

Shinji cleared his throat, unable to look at her as he recalled the ultimate betrayal. His shoulders slumped and his head bowed as his mind slipped back to the time when he was so pathetic that he couldn't mange to muster any sympathy for someone he loved more than anyone else in his entire life.

Then she would use it to her advantage.

"Sorry..." It was a meek reply from someone who had already, in part, reverted to the submissive boy he once was, "I'm sorry."

"Come here."

Shinji complied and was sitting beside her before she even asked him to sit down. His eyes were empty, his mind blank as his higher reasoning left on a guilt trip. He obviously didn't know how long or even how much she wanted him and going this far was a small price to pay.

She touched him, a single hand reached for his face and ultimately touched it. It was a prelude to her kiss, something she gave him without a second thought only to pull back when she realized something she didn't notice before.

He was crying.

There wasn't any sobs or even a change in his expression but he was crying nonetheless. He looked at her, those different color eyes begging her to stop with the tears he silently shed.

This was wrong but she could make it right if he just stayed quiet. If he didn't say anything then she'd be able to ignore the feeling that sought to overwhelm her. As long as he didn't say anything, she'd make him feel so much better.

Her eye begged him not to speak, not to interrupt this moment but the way he looked at her already spoke volumes. He made no attempt to stop her advances but the way he looked at her was all it took.

0

Misato sat at the edge of the bed and continued to think about the same thing she did ever since they left her apartment. In the darkness of the guest room, the woman couldn't think of any reason he would push her away aside from the obvious.

She pulled back her hair and looked down into the mirror she placed on the bed. The light from the hallway allowed her to see the scars that permanently took her eye and killed her beauty. Indeed, the scars were horrendous and the burns that complimented them still made her sick.

Maybe…

Maybe she did need the operation.

The small rectangle of light became larger as someone entered the room and she was disappointed it wasn't who she wanted it to be. Ritsuko stood in the doorway, her expression unreadable thanks to the darkness that eclipsed her features.

"Misato…" The woman dangerously started, "What did you do to Shinji?"

"None of your business."

"It is." She remarked, stepping closer to the bed as Misato pushed the mirror away, "You might not be able to stay here anymore depending on how you answer."

"I knew it." Misato looked over her shoulder at the doctor, "I knew you were going to pull this shit on us. I really don't care Ritsuko… When Shinji is-"

"I already said he isn't going with you."

"Shinji is mine!!" Misato roared with anger, the earlier events of the day spinning in her head as she turned around to face her, "Don't try to keep him here because you're lonely! He belongs with me!"

That was it.

She couldn't tolerate this any longer.

Ritsuko calmly collected her thoughts as she looked down at his guardian, "Misato, you're not fit to be his guardian anymore and Shinji isn't yours."

"What did you just say?" Misato smiled, knowing that she definitely heard the last part wrong. In all due respect, she probably would have to relinquish her title of guardian to the woman before her but that wasn't something she cared much about at the moment, "The last part?"

Cold eyes harshly studied a woman unable to let go of the past, "Shinji is not yours."

She finally did it and she did it alone but the way Misato laughed made it feel like a hollow victory. The purple haired woman slapped her hand down on her thigh as she continued to laugh out loud. She couldn't help but laugh when she said something so funny with such a serious expression.

It was so funny because, on the event that she meant what she said, she was going to fucking die.

"Ha, so what are you trying to say Ritsuko?"

"I'm…" She stopped, her bravado halted by the same idea that kept her from telling the truth in the first place but this time she was determined to follow through for not only her but everyone's sake, "I'm seeing Shinji now Misato."

She should have literally stabbed her in the back when she said it and, though the blond still stood right where she was, it felt like she really did. Misato blinked once and then twice before a rainbow of emotion crossed her face so fast that she didn't even know how to feel as she stared up in shock.

Her mouth was gaped open unable to articulate anything as her eye stared up at the woman she once considered her friend. Sure, they didn't see eye to eye some or even most of the time but this was nothing less than absolute betrayal.

"You're lying."

She said it quickly, an attempt to shield herself from her own memory as bits and pieces of it suddenly popped into her mind. She could remember the way Shinji acted, she could remember how happy Ritsuko seemed after she spent the night with him… Everything neatly fell into place, things she passed off as standard fair becoming suspicious every time she tried to deny it.

"I'm not." Ritsuko didn't care about her health anymore, she could go back to that hospital as long as she left Shinji alone. That's why she pressed her without any cause for concern, "What did you do to him?"

Misato stood up, her mind fixated on the boy who still rested on the couch but Ritsuko was bold enough to place a hand on her shoulder, "Don't bother him." She said despite not having her question answered, "He's still tired and he-"

She shook the hand off her shoulder, "I don't fucking care!"

"That's my point!" Ritsuko matched her tone, pointing an accusing finger at her as she spoke, "It's always about number one isn't it Misato? You don't care as long as you get what you want."

"Don't talk to me like that." Misato spun around, a vindictive glare in her eye as she faced the woman that attempted to take Shinji from her, "All about me? What about you? If you can't have the father, then you'll make due with the son?"

Ritsuko paled, the thought that it was even like that beyond disgusting. Shinji was important to her and his father didn't have anything to do with their relationship but Misato didn't stop there.

"You're using him because the commander-"

"Use him!? You were just using him since you were too scared of Kaji!"

Former friends lobbed baseless accusations at each other and feelings were hurt in the process. The person at the center of the storm couldn't do anything but stay where he already was and feign sleep like he did ever since he got back.

He honestly wished he could just sink into the couch and disappear. A week didn't even pass yet and things couldn't possibly get any worse than this. How did he manage to fail this bad when he honestly tried as hard as he could?

"I wasn't scared of him! Shinji just meant more to me! That's why-"

"That's why you were still fucking Kaji right?"

"You… You bitch!!"

Shinji closed his eyes in a vain attempt to go to sleep but that didn't stop him from hearing what they said. They both continued to pull skeletons out each others closet, unable to stop as tempers flared.

Scathing words…

"That's why he loved a dead woman more than you!"

Depressing claims…

"I should have let you die!"

He couldn't help but wonder where he went wrong as he reached for and pulled one of the small pillows over his head.

"Fuck you!"

Dinner wouldn't be made tonight.

Continued…

Author's Note: Not much to say but there is an interesting fact about this chapter. It was while writing this that I came up with an idea for another story of mine but, like always, thanks for reading and I'll try to get out the next chapter sometime soon.

CF


	7. Stage Left

Disclaimer: All rights belong to Gainax.

Remember Me

Entry Seven:

Stage Left

Views of the city passed in a beautiful blur and he watched the blending streaks of color with distant eyes. Shinji reclined in his seat as he listened to his music, slowly taking in a breath before letting it out in a subdued sigh. School was over for the day and…

He was on his way home.

When he first started going to school again, Ritsuko used to drop him off and pick him up but he thought of it as a waste of time considering the bus stop wasn't that far away from the school. There was no day he was more grateful for the city transportation than this one seeing that he didn't have the heart to talk to his girlfriend or his guardian. The idea of facing Ritsuko or even Misato was something he took careful steps to avoid even going so far as to stay up all night and leave when he was sure they were sleep.

He was a coward after all…

Ritsuko constantly told him to tell her the truth. She kept telling him that they had to tell her but, deep down, he knew he couldn't do it. He tried to pass it off as worrying for Misato but he was scared to tell her and last night was completely his fault.

The schoolgirl that sat beside him frowned and pulled off his headphones when she realized he wasn't paying her any attention. For a moment, his eye went wide thanks to the surprise of being disturbed but it relaxed in recognition when he noticed who it was.

"Was there something you wanted Natsumi…?"

"Is something wrong Kyota?" She always got straight to the point, wasting no time making it known that she was worried about him, "You were absent yesterday and you're normally not this quiet."

Shinji pressed a button on his SDAT and the music stopped flowing out of the headphones. He denied that something bad happened with a shake of his head as he once again stepped away from Shinji and into another persona.

"You don't have to keep anything to yourself." She took her glasses off and piecing, jade eyes made contact with dark blue, "As the class representative, I expect my classmates to be forthcoming with anything that troubles them even if concerns matters at home."

Naturally, she was just as pretty as her conviction. It was no wonder so many boys fawned over her but it was probably the same reason no one really had the courage to approach her. She easily the most serious person he ever knew but sometimes…

Something was off and he was all too quick to realize it was because his classmate was sitting next to him. Natsumi never rode the bus before and he was more than sure of that seeing that she frequently waved his way as she passed the bus stop.

"Um, I'm flattered that you're worried about me Natsumi but… how are you going to get home?"

Natsumi craned her neck to see out the window, the streets she saw unfamiliar as the bus continued on its route, "I don't know."

She always had a bad habit of accepting facts far too easy. While it stood in contrast with the stern way she handled things, it was a unique trait that caused them to be friends in the first place. The main reason he kept to himself was because he didn't want to be bothered with questions and she was first person who didn't ask any till now.

Shinji couldn't help but smile a little bit as he pulled the line, the bus coming to halt not soon after he did. He gathered his things and stood. If they just walked towards the bus stop then he was sure she'd be able to find her way.

"Come on, I'll walk you home." Shinji said as he crossed her to get into the aisle.

His classmate picked up her briefcase after she put her glasses back on, "Kyota, you still haven't answered my question."

Was something wrong?

Shinji briefly entertained the thought of telling the truth, the idea that perhaps this was the time to abandon lying completely but she didn't need to know. He appreciated her concern, the fact that she went this far just to talk to him almost made him reconsider but she really didn't need to know.

"It's nothing, I just didn't feel that well yesterday." He chuckled as he mustered the most believable face that he could and told her half of the truth, "We can talk about it while we walk okay?"

0

Shinji sighed as he closed the door behind him and pulled off his eyepatch. How could someone that seemed so diligent be like that outside the classroom? Sure, he enjoyed her company but Natsumi was certainly someone that should only be met in small doses.

Thankfully, it was over now. It took a good while to find a street that she knew but they did and she went off on her way leaving him to run back to the bus stop to catch the next bus.

"At least I made it in time…"

"No," Ritsuko was quick to meet him at the door, "You didn't." She wasn't going to waste any time with pleasantries and made that fact apparent as she crossed her arms over her chest and leveled her gaze at him, "Where were you?"

"I had to walk a friend home…" He was honest, more than ready to tell her the truth as long as she stopped looking at him like that.

She didn't. Instead, narrowed her eyes and the glare he fell victim to became much more menacing. It was easy to tell she was mad and his cell phone suddenly felt extremely heavy in his pocket as he remembered that he never did turn it back on after classes ended.

"So," Ritsuko paused if only to let him stagnate in how stupid his excuse sounded, "It took you about two hours to go out of your way and walk someone home and you didn't think to call me?" The tone of her voice was surprisingly neutral but the way she was looking at him made it feel like he did something wrong.

And he did.

His cell phone essentially became a part of him. It was something he carried around because it belonged with him the same way his SDAT did. Music was just something he liked to pass the time with but his phone was strictly for keeping in touch with the people important to him. It was the convenience of carrying a cell phone that meant he had a responsibility to keep it on when could or it would defeat the point of having it with him. His phone was important just for times like this and, being the idiot he usually was, he never thought to call because…

"I didn't want to bother you…"

It was the truth.

The reason his cell phone was off was because he kept it that way. He didn't want Ritsuko or Misato to call him and he certainly didn't want to call either one of them. After what happened yesterday he didn't even know how to face them so actually being able to talk was almost beyond him.

"Bother me? Look," She couldn't stay angry at him if he looked like that, "Shinji, what bothers me is when I don't know where you are. I was worried…"

"Sorry…" He lowered his eyes, his head bowed as he realized he really scared her.

"I told you…" Her breath flowed over his cheek as she reached a hand under his chin to tilt his head up, "You don't have to say that to me."

Shinji quickly stepped back and successfully escaped the kiss she was close to planting on him. He studied his girlfriend with eyes wide in disbelief, "W-We can't do that…" His voice was hushed as he pressed his back into the door and started at her. Was she crazy? They couldn't do things like that while Misato was here especially after last night.

"She isn't here anymore."

Ritsuko unbuttoned her shirt, button after button freed and revealing more and more of her skin. Even as his eyes dipped down and caught sight of the lacy black of her bra, he knew exactly what she had on her mind as she took off her shirt. It was obvious what she wanted but what she said had more impact on him than the fact she was already stepping out of her skirt.

"Shinji…" She smiled, her sincerity the only modesty she could offer as she blushed, "We can do it right here…"

The promise of sex, the desire that tinged her voice swept the fog out of his mind and forced him to see her. She looked happy. It wasn't the relief she had when she got back from work or the satisfaction she felt when they shared a bed. This was the same way she looked when he brought her breakfast in bed, the way she looked when they played cards with each other.

And she was half naked.

He saw her naked before, many a time actually, but she always had an air about her that separated her from all the other girls in his life. Ritsuko was a grown woman. Calling her beautiful was just a compliment and, when he used to describe her that way, he thought it fit her perfectly. That was wrong now though. She was more than beautiful, far more than sexy.

She was the person he…

"Ritsuko… We can't… Whe-arh!"

His girlfriend cut him off with nothing more than her touch, this time both of her hands finding a place on his shoulders as she bent at the waist just enough for her to be on eye level on him. She batted her sultry eyes before licking her lips and the space between him and her started to disappear in a way that the guilt in his heart couldn't. This wasn't right. He couldn't do this.

He couldn't do things like this when was thinking about Misato.

"Shinji, I missed this so much." She stopped just short of his lips and he held onto every word like he was falling off a cliff, "I'm sorry but let me be selfish tonight…"

Her face retained its blush as she verbally made her intentions known even though he already knew them. This was never the foundation of their relationship but it was a connection she liked to indulge herself in regardless. Though it obviously felt good, he would never understand how much she needed him.

"Tonight…" She was blushing, her eyes adverted as she started to talk again.

This sensitive side of her was something she gave him in exchange for his support. As long as he was here, she could just be a woman. When she was with him she was just a normal woman in a normal relationship with someone that loved her and that was all she ever really wanted.

He wasn't quite her intellectual equal yet but she could always work on that. Right now, what she cared about was more physical, "Tonight we can do it as many times as you like."

"Ritsuko…" Shinji couldn't look her in the eyes as he harnessed all of his willpower just to turn away, "We can't… We have to go and get Misato."

She didn't say anything and he was honestly terrified to look up. He waited, idly pressing back against the door a little bit more as his girlfriend straightened her back and stood before him. Was she making it this hard on him on purpose?

Bravely, he snuck a look up at her and saw that all of her previous vulnerability was gone. The blush vanished and the bitter scowl on her face only served to further drive home the fact she was just as hurt as she was angry.

"Go and get her then." Her eyebrows dropped as her loving eyes became infinitely darker. She turned on her heel and started to pick up her clothes. She waited on him all day, skipped work, made dinner and this is what she gets?

"Wait!" She turned around and he almost shrunk again under the full extent of her glare, "I… Ritsuko… Do you think I don't love you anymore?"

"How am I supposed to know you do if you keep talking about Misato all the time!"

"She's hurt!" He was couldn't be shaky when it came to matters concerning his guardian, "You promised you'd help me take care of her."

"I'm tired of her Shinji!" She didn't care how evil it made her sound but it was the truth. She was tired of catering to the needs of someone so self centered and she honestly didn't care what happened to her anymore, "Misato this, Misato that… I'm standing right here Shinji. I'm ready for you right now but you're talking about another woman when I'm right here…"

He became even more aware of her lack of clothes upon her words so he looked away, "What do you want me to do Ritsuko…?"

It wasn't about what she wanted him to do. Shinji was his own person. She wouldn't try and dictate his life the way Misato would. To her, it was never about what she wanted him to do.

"Don't leave me." It was about what she didn't want him to do, "And… I'm not with you because of-"

"I know." He was quick to cut her off as she looked down at the clothes she held, "Misato didn't really mean any of that and I know the truth."

"I stayed here today because I wanted to show you that I really loved you today. I wanted to show you what she said wasn't true…" She felt vulnerable again but it wasn't because she was almost naked, "You're the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. It's alright if you don't want to have sex with me. I'll do whatever you want me to do so please don't leave…."

This was the real her.

She was weak.

Like he said, she promised him that would help him but she was the type of her person that never believed in promises in the first place. So she broke it. Misato could do whatever she wanted to do and she let her leave in silence.

After that, she waited.

She did everything from cleaning up the apartment to cooking for the first time since Misato was released from the hospital. In the hours she spent waiting on her lover to come home, she made sure to put on the underwear she knew he secretly liked and considered how she was going to dispel the slander his guardian used against her. It would be like the days they used to have together before Misato returned but, as the hours crawled by, she started to get worried.

Why was he late? Why didn't he say goodbye to her this morning? What if Misato went and picked him up? What if he didn't like her anymore? What if he ran away?

She panicked as time preyed upon her insecurities. She frantically called and only became more worried when he didn't answer. What if something happened? What if Misato had his phone? What if she threw it away? Just like that she jumped to irrational conclusions that ended the moment he unlocked the door.

Her musing ended abruptly and she dropped the clothes she was holding when he hugged her. She could already imagine how pitiful she looked. A grown woman crying in the arms of the man that loved someone else more than he loved her… As she idly wondered if she could possibly look any more pathetic, she knew in the back of her mind what this hug really meant.

He was leaving her.

What they had with each other was only temporary. She was just a place holder for the woman who had his heart and shared her body with him long before she did. An image of Gendo came to mind and she found herself not wanting to listen to Shinji tell her something she didn't want to hear. She already knew so it was okay if he just left. She didn't want to hear him say that Misato was more important. She didn't want him to tell her that he loved her just a little less than his guardian. She didn't want to-

"Trust me."

He kissed her, a small peck on her cheek laid to rest all of the fears she had and she virtually melted in relief. All he asked of her was the same thing he asked for when the issue first came up.

"S-Shinji… I love you." That was all she wanted to say, "I love you so much…" The words welled up in her heart and flowed out of her as she slumped over but he held her. He supported her as she tenderly wrapped her arms around him.

He smiled in spite of the circumstances, "I love you too Ritsuko."

Those words were all she ever wanted to hear.

They meant more than being congratulated for receiving honors or being praised for her expertise in the same fields of science her mother excelled in. Just those words meant more than anything to her.

"But I have to go…"

"No, stay with me Shinji." She would get on her knees and beg if she had to, "Don't leave me tonight… Not tonight."

"I promise I'll make it up to you but I can't leave Misato alone. Not when she's hurt." He slipped out of her grasp and turned to open the door, "I might not be able to come back tonight… There's a lot of cleaning up I need to do over there."

He made up his mind so she wouldn't try to make him stay but…

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"No!" After what happened yesterday even someone as dense as him knew that wouldn't be a good idea at all, "I m-mean it's alright. I'll be back soon." He walked out the door and, before closing it behind him, took another look at his girlfriend before venturing out into the evening to go to a place he would never call home again.

0

"Fuck…"

Misato stabbed another can of beer with the knife and punctured the top of it but the hole wasn't big enough so she stabbed it again. Though it was possible, it was hard to pull off a tab with only one hand and this method was far more pleasing even if little bits of aluminum fell into the brew.

This wasn't even the kind she preferred. She just went in and grabbed something since she didn't want to keep the cab waiting but the look that fucking clerk gave her… He didn't recognize she was the same woman he used to drool over every time she went there to restock her refrigerator.

Upon thought of the refrigerator, her stomach growled but her appetite left as soon as she remembered how the inside of it looked. She wouldn't have cleaned that shit up even if she had both of her arms.

She brought the knife down with too much force and it went in at an angle. Beer quickly sprayed out and all over her until she snatched out the knife and picked up the wasted beer. With all the strength she could muster, she threw the leaking can as hard as she could at the nearest thing which just so happened to be the cabinets. The aluminum crushed on contact and what was left of the contents splashed across much of the kitchen but she didn't care.

"Fuck!"

She was pissed and she knew it had nothing to do with the over charging cab driver or the pervert that ran the liquor store. Where the fuck did Ritsuko get off telling her shit like that? If Shinji wasn't in the next room she probably would have fucking killed her on the spot.

"Misato!" Shinji came out of nowhere, his keycard in hand as he ran into the kitchen with concern all over his face, "What's wrong!?"

"Wha…?" Misato rubbed her eye before looking at the pile of empty cans on the other side of her chair and then back at him, "Shinji? Are you really here?"

Shinji frowned as he walked up to her, "Yeah, I'm here Misato but…" He couldn't help but breathe in the heavy smell of alcohol as he neared her, "I told you that you couldn't drink that stuff."

"I needed something to take the edge off and don't you like me more when I'm drunk?" She grinned at him and hid how she really felt under the pretext of alcohol.

"No."

"Hmm?" She set another can on the table and stabbed it, "You don't remember do you? I was… drunk the first time Shinji. When I woke up in your bed that morning I was thinking about shooting myself before you told anyone."

He sighed as he grabbed a beer out of the case and pulled the tab for her, "I'm not here to talk about that Misato."

She ignored the opened beer he placed in front of her and stabbed the can in front of her again, "You didn't tell anyone so…" She paused to stab the can again, "I started pretending to be drunk. You could tell couldn't you? That I just wanted to spend more time with you."

"I know that…" He looked around for the broom, "Let's start before it gets too-"

"I was scared you know… I was scared you didn't feel the same way at first but I could tell we were making each other happy." He could feel her eye burning a hole in his back as she finally set the knife aside and downed.

"You still love me don't you?"

"Misato…"

She tossed another empty can to the side before raising the one he opened to her lips, "I still love you Shinji. I can say it now. I can say it as many times as you want me to say it because I mean it."

He wouldn't abandon her. She was his Misato, the one that was there when no one else was. She was the woman who gave him a home when he didn't have one and gave herself to him unconditionally. He wasn't like her father at all and he never tried to force things beyond what they were meant to be. She knew she loved him but saying it, actually making it known was always hard for her.

"Shinji, tell me the truth..." Misato slid back her chair and knocked over the mounting pile of empty cans at her side in the process of standing up, "Why are you cheating on me?"

Cheating…

The word had just as much impact as a brick meeting the back of his head but it hit twice as hard. Never did he think of it that way but that's exactly what it was. He felt incredibly slow as he realized that there was no way to deny it. "Cheating…"

"It's okay," Misato smiled upon seeing the look on his face. The reason didn't even matter if he honestly felt sorry, "It's alright Shinji. I'll always forgive you…"

She wasn't mad at all. He just made a mistake in her absence. He was lonely and Ritsuko probably needed someone around to tell her how smart she was. It made perfect sense. He was too kind to say no and she was too much of a bitch to realize what she was really doing to him.

On second thought, she probably knew exactly what she was doing.

Misato tripped as she approached him. The buzz she got bothering her just enough to make stumble but Shinji was quick to break her fall. She fell on top of him, successfully knocking the air of him the moment they landed on the floor but she was just as quick to get back up and see if he was alright.

"Shinji?" She sat up, a single eye looking him up and down before returning to his face, "Are you-"

He too sat up, rubbing the back of his head as he looked away from the woman on his lap, "I'm sorry…"

It was too late to say sorry and words couldn't help him now but his guardian placed a finger on his lips as she realized it wasn't the fall that hurt him, "Shh…" Misato comforted him all while brandishing a smile, "It's alright. I'm not mad Shinji." She returned her hand to her side, "It was just a mistake right? I made a mistake before and you forgave me… Remember?"

All of a sudden his mind snapped back to the present only to sink into a memory of something he could never forget. How could he forget something like that? He blinked before looking away again, the words he meant to say never leaving his mouth as Misato rammed her shoulder into his chest.

She straddled him the moment his back touched the ground, mounting him before he could even think to get back up, "You…" Panic crept into her voice as she looked him in the eye, "You did forgive me didn't you?"

He wanted to lie.

He wanted to lie to her so bad that it hurt. He wanted to pretend like he was alright. He wanted to dismiss her fears with nothing more than a wave of a hand or a nod of his head but he didn't have the heart to lie to her anymore.

"That…" He started, trying hard not to cry as he remembered exactly how he felt back then, "I'm…" He cleared his though, coughing to make it seem like his voice wasn't cracking, "I'm just here to help you clean up. I don't want to talk about-"

"That's why you are doing this to me?!" She clenched her hand into a fist and pounded it on the floor beside him, "You're still mad at me?!"

"Misato…" Shinji shifted around, feeling extremely uncomfortable not only because of the position he was in, "Please…"

She could feel the tears coming and did nothing to stop them, "You said you loved me! You said you loved me so why are you doing this to me? Did…" She suddenly felt sick at even entertaining the thought, "Did you just say it because we slept with each other?"

"No," He said it softly, unable to even raise his voice to a reasonable level when the strongest person he ever known in his life was literally crying on top of him, "Misato, you're tired and you had a little too much to drink."

He was cheating on her, his conscience was shattered, and his will was just as weak as it always was but he managed to string his composure back together just enough to try and calm her down.

"Let… Let me get up and I'll help you to your bed, okay?"

Even though his conscience was still in pieces, he had to at least pretend to be strong for her sake. They could talk to each other after she woke up to a clean apartment. It'd be alright if she was angry with him and he wouldn't hold it against her even if she slapped him but anything was better than watching her cry but she didn't want to talk.

"Shinji… I'm not drunk."

She wasn't getting up.

Continued…

Author's Note: My writing? It's nothing special. I never really studied writing so I'm probably a permanent amateur but I like to think that at least learned some things from reading other stuff. Even now, I like to think that my writing somewhat bares a resemblance to Random's since I tried to mimic his style a bit but I can't be that arrogant can I? ;-;?

CF


	8. The Gone For Goods

Disclaimer: All rights belong to Gainax.

Remember Me

Entry Eight:

The Gone For Goods

Beep.

"You don't want to talk me huh?"

Slow seconds passed as she stared at her answering machine from her bed. The red light blinked as it recorded the message, and it would continue to do so since she wouldn't pick up the receiver.

She told him about Shinji.

"It's not about that Misato. Really." Kaji seemingly read her mind from afar and sighed. "If you like him… No, if you love him then it's okay, but I just wanted to say…." He paused, no doubt to take a drag from his cigarette before chuckling. "I don't know what I want to say now that I think about it."

"I… I just wanted to talk to someone I guess…"

It was rare for him to be so unsure of himself, and she never heard him sound like that. She almost reached for the receiver if only to let him know she was listening, but she stilled the hand she stretched out before it could even touch the phone.

Kaji only claimed to love her the same way her father only thought he did.

Her father didn't love her. He merely tolerated her existence and took responsibility for the life he brought into the world. He was clinically cold to her if it had nothing to do with her welfare. Even then she knew there was a difference between loving someone and merely taking care of them; her father just took care of her.

Kaji said he loved her and, though she doubted it, he probably really did but he didn't know her at all. She knew way before she met him that she was a difficult woman to deal with. She wanted to be understood but she didn't want to be understood yet she wanted someone to understand that and Kaji just didn't. He never did. When she turned down his proposal, he nodded and smiled like he wasn't hurt before he left without even asking why.

So why did he look so sad when she told him it was over for good?

"They're good kids Misato." He swallowed hard. "Don't tell Shinji about… what we did with each other and make sure Asuka doesn't do anything crazy alright?"

So he was leaving.

She pulled the comforter over her head and hid under her sheets.

"Ahh," she could picture him scratching the back of his head in frustration, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry it didn't work out between us and I hope… I hope you'll be happy."

He still didn't understand.

"I lo-" He interrupted himself with a laugh. "Ha, forget it. I left you everything you need to find out the truth so it was just a matter of time until something like this happened…"

It wasn't until he sighed that she noticed how tired he really sounded, the quick breathes he took making it sound like he was trying too hard to make it seem like he wasn't hurt. She pulled off the cover and hopped off the bed.

"I really…" He wasn't laughing anymore. "I really wished I could have heard your voice…"

Beep.

Misato picked up the receiver and slowly dialed his number. A tone accompanied each press of the number pad as she held the phone up to her ear and finally heard the phone ring. It rang twice and then four times.

"It's me."

"Kaji, listen-"

"But I can't come to the phone right now." The voice on the other end continued undaunted. "Of course I take messages so, if you would be so kind-"

She ended the call. Voice mail. It rang another four times before she hung up and tried again. Was he mad? No… Kaji never got mad at her. No matter what happened, he never ignored her like that. She hung up only to keep trying with the same result. One more time, she tried again and the met his voice mail for the fifth time in a row.

She was starting to get worried. He had to be really upset and he was just being immature, getting back at her by making her worried sick. If she didn't want to talk to him then he didn't want to talk to her but it was important!

Misato hit redial for the sixth time and her chest starting to tighten as she feared the worst. She was starting to get scared. She threw the receiver back at the stupid answering machine and turned to look for her cell phone.

"You have one message."

She ignored the answering machine she turned on by mistake and dug in her jacket pockets to find her cell phone. The message played, rewinding only to proclaim she had a new message and play it over again. She was quick to realize she must have broken it but she didn't care as she looked around for sight of her phone. Annoyed at the fruitless search, she simply turned her jacket upside down and shook it until all of the contents fell on the bed.

Car keys, gum, a check she didn't cash yet, picture of Shinji, balled up bills, and her keycard but no cell phone…

"I lo- Ha, forget it. I left you everything you need to find out the truth so it was just a matter of time until something like this happened…"

She was starting to get really worried, the meanings of his message starting to seep into her mind as she descended on her room like an act of God. She ripped the sheets off her bed, knocked over a lamp, pulled out draws, frantically emptied her entire closet in a matter of minutes but the phone was nowhere to be found.

"S-Shinji!" Misato screamed, her voice coming out sounding like a half-strangled cry. She didn't care if she woke him up. She needed his help. She had to find the phone. "Shinji! Come help me!"

"I really… I really wished I could have heard your voice…"

"Shinji!!"

The door to her room slid open and a sleepy pilot stumbled in. "An Angel…?"

"Please… please help me find my phone." His guardian crawled towards him after she looked under the bed. "I have to find my cell phone…"

Shinji blinked the sleep out of his eyes. "Are you-" He quickly shut up as she snapped her head back to him and pointed to the other side of the room.

"Go look over there!"

"A-Alright…" He didn't understand why she just couldn't use the phone right there.

"I… I just wanted to talk to someone I guess…"

"Mister Kaji?" Shinji looked over his shoulder at the answering machine. "Misato, you're missing a-"

"I'm not missing anything!" She glared at him, fuming as she pointed to the opposite wall for the second time. "Go over there and look for the fucking phone Shinji!!"

"I'm sorry…" He never meant to make her angry. "I just thought-"

"They're good kids. Don't tell Shinji about…" He looked at the answering machine at the mention of his name all the while hearing Misato move towards him. "What we did with each other and make sure Asuka doesn't do anything crazy alright?"

"Shinji…" The fact that he didn't even move when she asked him to go look for the phone slowly started to register in his mind as she stood right behind him. Misato, too, started to realize the real reason she was angry but she didn't want to. She didn't want to acknowledge why he was really leaving or the mistake she made in not answering the phone so she focused all of her thoughts on finding a phone she didn't even need anymore. "You're not going to help me…?"

Shinji nodded in spite of clearly hearing the message that was intended for his guardian. He already knew what Kaji was talking about but it didn't matter. He wouldn't dwell on it. "You always keep your cell phone next to your gun don't you?" The pilot looked at her not so secret hiding spot and that was the only hint she needed.

Misato snatched the pillow off the bed and found her cell phone resting right next to her loaded handgun but she already knew she didn't need it. She tried to blink the moisture out of her eyes as she lifted the phone but her eyes continued to get misty.

"Misato…"

She was crying, a sight he never liked to see and one that always tore at his heart. Whenever she was like this, he felt helpless knowing that he couldn't help her with her problems when he could barely handle his own.

"He's dead." No matter how many times she called she would never reach him again. "And I…" Tears raced down her face as she paused the wrap her arms around her trembling frame.

"I really… I really wish I could have heard your voice."

Misato sobbed as his voice assaulted her conscience, and the severity of the situation finally dawned on the pilot's drowsy mind. Shinji stared at the fragile woman before him as she openly wept but nothing could prepare him for what she did next.

"Help me." His guardian looked at him with glazed eyes, sorrow engraved in their depths as she begged him to do something he couldn't. "Help me Shinji…"

"I can't…" Shinji panicked as he backed away from her outstretched hand. "I can't help you Misato."

He didn't know how to help Misato because she was the one that always helped him. She was the only that never needed help. She was the one that always shrugged off things that were too heavy from him to understand but she was crying. She was asking him, begging him to understand and help when he already knew that he couldn't. There was nothing he could do for her.

Except run away.

"I'm sorry!" He tripped as he backpedaled but he got back to his feet just as fast before he scampered out of the room. "I'm sorry Misato!"

"Shinji… No… Nooo!" She screamed as she watched him make a hasty exit. "Don't run away from me! Don't leave me alone!!"

The door to her room quickly slid shut and imprisoned her in misery. Upon his departure, the room seemed to become even darker than it was before, the only light coming from the blinking red dot on the other side of the room. Misato pulled her knees to her chest as she stared at the answering machine.

"You don't want to talk to me huh?"

"Shinji!" She knew he could hear her! He had to turn it off!! "Please… Please help me!! Shinji!!"

He didn't come back.

"_Shinji!_"

0

"I'm not drunk."

Misato lovingly looked down at her charge as she told him the truth. That cheap crap she bought didn't even get her buzzed but, for once, she was glad it didn't. She didn't want to be under the influence of anything. She needed to be able to think clearly in order to make him see the mistake he was making.

"I said I wasn't here for that… I want you to come back Misato but if you are going to stay here then I'll clean up." Shinji turned to the side, his troubled eyes scanning the empty cans of beer she left beside her chair as she played with his hair. "What are you going to do?"

"You're not in a position to be asking questions Shinji."

He really wasn't.

She wasn't even half as strong as she used to be, but she never forgot her training. She grinned as he wiggled in a half hearted attempt to get from under her. "If you want to get away then you have to try harder than that Shinji. You should have been paying attention when I was trying to teach you combatives."

"I remember what you showed me Misato..." Different color eyes looked up at her as he finally gave up. "I just- Never mind…"

"You don't want to hurt me." She wasn't grinning anymore, her expression blank as she let go of his hair. "I'm already hurt…" She set her palm on the floor and got off of him but not before flashing him one of her familiar smiles. "I'm already hurt Shinji…"

Her scars…

He didn't see all of them yet. She didn't even see all of them yet and she didn't want to. She was disgusting and ugly, he shouldn't care about being rough since she wasn't pretty anymore and he didn't know how much it hurt for him to make her an exception because of that.

If she wasn't hurt then he would have probably flipped her the fuck over and been done with it the moment she put him on the ground. No, Shinji wasn't like that in the first place. He wouldn't have done something like that even if she wanted him to.

"I keep telling you that doesn't mean anything." He looked so tired, worn out as he dusted himself off and stood up. "I know you're hurt. I know I… I did some horrible things to you but you are still Misato. You are still here."

A critical eye landed on her charge. "What are you trying to say?"

"It doesn't matter what you look like or what you are… I'll still love you."

She pulled back the hair that obscured her face and swept it up, exposing what made her sick since she woke up. Was it the first time he really got a look at it? No, he saw it before. He caught glimpses here and there but never said anything. She even showed him once just to see how he felt about it but it was the first time she issued it as a challenge.

How could someone love something so ugly?

Misato undid the buttons on her shirt, the scar that graced her since childhood was the first to meet his eyes but countless others joined in as she slowly unbuttoned the dress shirt she was going to sleep in.

She was about to discard her shirt until he stopped her, the hand that rested on her shoulder seemingly setting her on fire as he willingly touched her for what felt like the first time in years.

"Misato," His voice was unusually even, the contact he established broken not even a moment later as he lowered his hand. "You're not ugly."

She wasn't. Someone like her could never be ugly. Someone that loved him would never be ugly in his eyes. In fact, she was beautiful and he honestly believed that from day one. No matter what happened to her she would still be the same woman that used to cheat in rock-paper-scissors, the same woman that gave him a home when it felt like everyone but misery abandoned him.

He closed his eyes, a smile surfacing with memories both sad and silly. Though her injuries shocked him at first, he always knew it was impossible for her to be anything other than beautiful.

"You're beautiful…"

So he said it.

He opened his different color eyes as he said it and meant it. It wasn't a lie. No matter what she or anyone else said she was the most beautiful person he knew. Her injuries didn't make her ugly. The scars and the burns were supposed to be his. He was supposed to be missing an eye, he was supposed to be missing an arm, but he wasn't. He wasn't the one who got hurt so he would become that missing eye. He would become that arm when she needed him to and that was as far as he could go.

In today's world, people only had scars because they either wanted them or couldn't afford to get them removed and Misato belonged to neither crowd. As soon as she was cleared for the operation, she'd be good to go but just because she'd get a new arm and have her scars removed didn't mean that they'd be gone.

She was hurt because she carried his scars. She was sad because she carried the wounds that were supposed to be inflicted on him but just having them in his place wasn't what made her beautiful. She was already pretty long before he met her. It was the solitary fact that they both knew a long time ago what her scars really meant and it only served to elevate her in his eyes.

It wasn't because she protected him knowing she was going to die.

It was simply because she loved him even if she too scared to say it.

For a moment, he felt amazingly stupid. He was the one that was ugly. He ran from her more than once, more than twice but she always went so far for someone that hurt her. Didn't she realize she would have been better off if he had died?

"I love you…" She was tearing up again but for a completely different reason. "I love you so much Shinji."

Ritsuko said the same thing…

What was so special about him? What did he do to deserve all this? He was still a coward and he was a lying cheat in addition to that. Even though he made so many promises, he still didn't know how to keep them. Somehow…

He became more pathetic than before.

"Shinji…"

Pursed lips neared his own, the intimacy she craved not even seconds away until he looked up at her ready to pose a question he should have asked a long time ago.

"Misato," A kiss was the last thing on his mind. "Why don't you hate me?"

He didn't bear any scars for her.

The reason his eye looked the way it did was because of the feedback from Unit 01. He wasn't a real hero like she was. He was only some kid who was literally shielded in tons of armor. Misato engaged the enemy with nothing more than a gun and quick reflexes.

She didn't cheat on him either.

In all actuality, it was the other way around. He was well aware that she was still seeing Mister Kaji long before she came to him that night. It bothered him because he was selfish and, realizing as much, she acted in his best interests. He always knew the real reason she stopped talking to Mister Kaji was solely for his sake.

Couldn't she tell…

"What? Shinji, I can never hate you…"

Couldn't she tell that he ruined her life?

She was oblivious to his thoughts as she pulled him closer to her. She rubbed against him, smiling as she hugged him and enjoyed the contact. This was all she wanted. It was what she dreamed about every since she woke up. They weren't arguing over stupid stuff and she knew how he really felt now.

Misato felt like she could stand there forever until his cell phone broke the comforting silence that fell. He reached for it and, though disappointed, she gave him more than enough room to answer it. "Hello? No," He turned to look at his guardian. "Yes, I got here a long- Huh? No, nothing happened. I was just-" He stopped to listen. "You don't have to do that Ritsuko… I can make dinner over here—I know that—so you don't have to go out of your way."

"Really?" Shinji scratched the back of his head as Misato looked on. "I'll tell her. Alright, I'll see you when- What was that?" He took a brief look over his shoulder at his guardian. "I love you, too…"

"Hmm?" She sat back down in her seat at the table. "What did that bitch want?"

"Don't call her that…" He hung up and put his phone back in his pocket, "She wanted me to tell you she's sorry about what she said and she's bringing dinner here. She wants to spend the night so-"

"Hell no…" She stood back up and slammed her fist on the table. "Hell no!! I know she's not sorry! Tell her to go the fuck back home Shinji!"

"You know I can't do that and she's bringing your medicine, too." Shinji sighed as he took a seat. "How could you remember to get beer but forget your medicine?"

"Don't change the subject." Misato walked around the table and held out her hand. "Give me the phone."

"No."

"Give me the phone Shinji."

"Misato, I'm not going to tell her to go back home." He had no intention of giving her the phone. "She's worried about us and I know she didn't mean what she said to you. Besides, you're mad at the wrong person…"

They were so close.

He was on the verge of forgetting about that bitch until she called. Her anger was justified and it was aimed at the right person. Ritsuko was clearly her antagonist and she would put her in her place if she even came remotely close to her.

Misato nodded like she really agreed but she didn't. The blonde was the one to blame for everything but it was alright. Now that she thought about it, she was glad that Ritsuko was coming.

"Shinji…" She smiled at her charge, easing him with her soft expression as she walked over to pile of cans she left in her wake, "Do you still feel like helping me clean up?"

Shinji brightened at the prospect and was already out of his seat before she could even reach for empty cans. Rolling up his sleeves, he was quick to get to work and she watched as he gave it his best. Wiping down the counters while putting the pots and pans in the right place, preheating the oven so he could scrub off the grim inside, sweeping while he waited for the water to fill the sink so he could wash dishes… Misato smiled at his effort. It was the Shinji she was used to seeing but, as she deposited a few of her cans in the garbage bag he placed in front of the refrigerator, she didn't care about the kitchen or even cleaning in general.

She was going to make things right.

Continued…

Author's Note: What up? Nothing much huh? Me? Oh, just trying to finish some chapters and stuff. I'm not sure exactly how many more chapters I'll have to add but I can say with confidence that I'm close to finishing this story at least but it might be a while till I can say the same about some other ones.

CF


	9. Hello Goodbye

Disclaimer: All rights belong to Gainax.

Remember Me

Entry Nine:

Hello Goodbye

Shinji looked up at the evening sky and took in gentle humming of the streetlights coming alive. The city was active, filled with the sounds he once took for granted. The cars that whizzed by and the chatter of the girls walking behind him were almost like music and it only served to remind him. It reminded him people were alive because of something he did. People could live in Tokyo-3 because he protected it.

He didn't have an Evangelion anymore. What was left of it stood in tribute of what he accomplished, but it wasn't Unit 01 or its pilot that saved the world. It was the people that worked and died to make the world a better place that deserved thanks and praise he got. It still hurt that they were gone but it only made it more important to remember and appreciate what they achieved together.

The life he lived was something they gave to him. That was why he couldn't afford to hide from the world anymore. He wouldn't waste the opportunity he was provided so the only steps he took were towards a tomorrow that could make them proud. He would make mistakes. He made them before and he would keep making them but, as long as he learned from them, he'd be okay. As long as he kept giving it his best then he would be alright.

Shinji walked into the parking lot prepared, ready to face the woman that was surely waiting on him but he was happy. It was the simple things that made him grateful to be alive but it was the people that made him happy. He didn't know if Misato shared his sentiments but he at least hoped that there were still some things that made her happy that she was alive.

"Wark…"

Shinji raised an eyebrow as he ventured deeper into the lot. He heard something he thought he didn't hear and the sound echoed. It resonated in his mind until he was sure it wasn't something he imagined. The memories it pulled at resulted in the student snatching off his eyepatch to look around. "Pen-Pen… That sounded like Pen-Pen!"

Upon hearing its name, the warm water penguin peeked around a car and waddled out to meet its former roommate. With wings flapping in excitement and eyes filled with glee, his guardian's pet was quick to make its way towards him. "Wark!!"

"Pen-Pen…" An unexpected reunion made his eyes feel damp. Shinji dropped his briefcase and ran towards the penguin. "How? How did-"

"Shinji…?"

There was a girl standing behind the penguin that he didn't know even though she most certainly knew him given that she called him by his real name. Just like him, she was wearing a school uniform but he couldn't recall any schools around the city that mandated the type of pleated skirt she had on. He knew it was going to be terribly rude to ask but he really didn't have a clue. "Excuse me but, um, who are you…?"

"Well, I suppose I don't look the same…" Her eyebrows dipped in obvious disappointment as she stepped in front of the penguin. "I'm Hikari, remember?"

The class representative.

The girl he asked to take care of Pen-Pen.

Shinji blinked, unconsciously taking a step back as he realized the things he overlooked. She was definitely the same girl but she just didn't look the same. Her hair was longer, the pigtails that used to be her trademark were gone in favor of letting her hair down. The freckles he associated with her were still there but they were faded, a good number of the specks that dotted her face gone. She was older, the physical characteristics he was used to were changed but her mannerisms were slow to mature. She still had the same smile that welcomed him into the city that doomed him and she still stood with her head held high, demanding authority that someone of her statue usually had to ask for.

"Miss Horaki..."

"I'm glad you remember me." She flashed him another smile as Pen-Pen shuffled closer. "You look… different Shinji."

"Oh!" He immediately turned away and put his eyepatch back on. "I… Um… I guess I did change a little."

"Yeah," Hikari noted as he adjusted the patch on his face. "Looks like you skipped a grade, too."

Shinji looked down at his uniform and then back at the girl in front of him. "I still don't know how she did it but Ritsuko got me enrolled in school again. I didn't even know it was a high school until I started going."

She nodded as he scratched Pen-Pen's head. "It's Nanashiro right? The school I mean. I remember wanting to go there… before everything happened."

"Yeah…"

Even now it was difficult for people to talk about the attacks on the city and no one knew that more than he did. People usually avoided the topic, ignoring it like it never happened while others just flatly refused to talk about it at all. It was the type of thing no one liked to talk about so…

"You…" Shinji cleared his throat. "You didn't have to come all the way out here Miss-"

"C'mon Shinji," Hikari smiled before playfully poking the boy in the arm. "If you keep calling me that you'll make me feel old. I wanted to come. I know he wanted to go home for a while now."

"Wark!"

"The last time I spoke to Touji he said you lived far away." Shinji looked up in thought, seemingly counting the clouds as he tried to remember what his friend told him. "Was it Sendai?"

A conversation was like a river. It could be anything from a stream, a trickle of words just to make small talk, to a torrent of emotion strong enough flood any mind. As someone who didn't have any friends before coming to the city, directing the flow of a conversation was simply something he couldn't do but something he learned from a woman that could charm any man was how to change the subject. Changing where the conversation went was beyond him but casting a stone or two into the flow was not.

He already knew where Hikari lived and why she lived there but asking her directly prompted her to answer regardless of that. It gave him ample time to think about what he would say when she asked the questions he knew she wanted answered. So he listened. She talked about her sisters and about how much they all loved the city. She told him about how she visited Touji and his sister from time to time and made sure to point out that Kensuke still lived in the city somewhere.

She talked and he listened until they returned to a topic he couldn't gloss over. He still spoke to Touji over the phone every now and then but…

"Every time I called his sister answered so…"

"Haha," Hikari grinned, smiling as he trailed off. "She has a crush on you silly!"

"R-Really…?"

"Really." She confirmed as Pen-Pen impatiently started his trek up towards the complex. "She brags about knowing you to everyone but they don't believe her. You should go see them sometime Shinji."

Shinji looked up with the intention of saying he would but he already knew it was a lie before he thought to say it. He was finished with lies. The former pilot sighed, bowing his head as he decided to tell her the truth that she and everyone who asked deserved to hear.

He could look up at the rich expanse of blue above and pretend like everything he did was for the greater good, but the truth was that there was no way to rationalize or marginalize his mistakes. The mistakes he made wasn't filling in the wrong bubble on a test sheet nor missing baseball practice. His mistakes meant that there were people that died. His mistakes lived with a physical representation of his failure etched into them like a brand that burned forever.

"Shinji…?"

"Hikari…"

They stared at each other but neither dared to say more than a name. His eyes were downcast, adverted the moment she snapped him out of his musing and the question she didn't quite ask was answered with incredible clarity.

He didn't want to go.

He didn't want to see anyone that used to know him. He didn't want to be around anyone that knew who he really was because there were times he didn't even want to be himself. It wasn't their fault. It was just the way he was. She was witness to his weakness and they shared a silence that came only from understanding that he felt he didn't deserve.

"Is…" She paused before ultimately deciding to ask. "Is it because of Asuka?"

Left without a solid reason for the shift in his mood, she took a desperate shot in the dark and hit him dead in the heart. The different color eyes she decided not to ask about burned into her, his expression dipped in a drop of malice but a bucket of dismay. Her name. Just hearing her name subjected him to horror that nearly made his face abstract.

"No!" He said quickly, his heart beating and sweat building as he remembered his apathy. "No, A-A…" He couldn't say her name. The guilt wouldn't let him. The ball of feeling in his chest felt like it bounced as he remembered her screams. She was screaming for someone and he, the only person that could help, abandoned her. "A… As—She didn't have anything to do with this. I'm just… I don't want to let them down. I'm not special anymore." It was the truth. "I'm just a nobody now."

Hikari frowned, the smile she had reversed as she shook her head. After breathing a sigh of her own, the girl regained her smile. "No," She opened her eyes and the deep brown he looked into accused him of nothing but trying too hard. "You're you Shinji. I know that and they know that." She laughed at the look on his face. "We wouldn't be your friends if we didn't really know you. That's why Touji didn't press the issue and that's why Kensuke never tried to find you. When you're ready then they'll be ready, too."

"I'll try." He briefly closed his eyes and imagined his friends waiting for him, all of them working and slowly trying to carve their place in the world the same way he was. "No, I will."

It was a small declaration that made him match her smile when he opened his eyes. Hikari extended her hand, a friendly deal offered and accepted when he reached out and shook it. The same way he couldn't avoid Misato because he was the reason she got hurt, he couldn't alienate his friends because of something that happened in the past. He was being stupid and it took one of his friends to point it out.

"Thank you."

"No, thank you."

They continued to smile at each other as they continued the handshake and she started to giggle when he didn't let go. The never-ending handshake ended with both of them laughing, meeting each others eyes with a familiarity that could only be forged over time.

"Do you want to come in?" He gestured to the apartment. "It's a little messy and Misato-"

"Nah, I have to catch the train." She pointed at the penguin riding the elevator. "I suppose you have some catching up to do."

He nodded, smiling fondly as he watched the elevator ascend. "I do but I'll walk you to the station at least. Pen-Pen knows how to ring the doorbell and Misato will get a nice surprise."

"Hmm, I'll be alright." Hikari gave him a little wave before turning around and walking away. "It isn't that far away but… I'm glad I saw you Shinji." She slowed her gait as she remembered feeling silly for coming to the complex in the first place. "Touji told me you didn't live here anymore but I just wanted Pen-Pen to see it again. You know, thought it'd be a nice visit."

"You don't have to leave him here. I know he likes us but-"

"Nope, I don't want to hear it Shinji." She looked over her should with a smile. "This is his home and you didn't ask me to keep him right? Just expect me to visit a little more often."

"I'll be prepared next time then."

"I'll see you later Shinji!" Her smile, a little tainted with the absence of the penguin she came with, was still as big as ever as she walked away. "I think we spoiled him a little so be careful."

"I will!" He said, raising his voice as she left the parking lot. "And thanks…" He voiced quietly, waving until she turned a corner and disappeared out of his sight.

He was happy.

The introduction of something new, something he didn't plan on unnerved him a little at first but he was honestly glad he encountered Hikari. It was a pleasant surprise that he probably would have missed if he didn't promise his guardian he'd come straight from school to her apartment.

What was more interesting was that she came so far to see him. He was a nobody but, just like he thought on the way to the complex, it was the people around him that made him more than what he really was. It was the people around him, not himself, that turned him into the hero he was never meant to be.

Shinji Ikari was an icon, a minor celebrity. It was a persona built upon by people who didn't know him. The Shinji Ikari that the world knew was some kind of ace pilot that could take down monsters the size of nightmares with his bare hands. If it was found out that the real thing was just some kid then his fame wouldn't have lasted more than fifteen minutes.

Shinji kept his smile as he approached the apartment he used to call home and the penguin in front of him angrily swiped at the door with his wing. Pen-Pen rung the doorbell again and tapped his webbed foot up and down as he waited. At sight of his friend pulling out his keycard, the warm-weather penguin stepped back and watched as the door opened to reveal a place he longed to see again.

"You first." Shinji held the door open for his avian friend and he waddled in. "Welcome home Pen-Pen."

"Wark!!"

"Misato stuffed your… room with beer. Don't worry too much-"

The door shut behind him and both of the occupants turned around so fast that the eyes on the intruder made it feel like they were looking at her before she entered the apartment. Misato stared at them, a single eye switching its gaze between her penguin and her charge.

"Hello Pen-Pen." The bird held up a wing in response to the greeting. "Hello Shinji, who was that?"

"Huh? What are you- Oh!" His smile faulted a little as he rubbed Pen-Pen on the head. The way she was looking at him made it obvious why she wasn't already throwing her first roommate a welcome back party. "That was Hikari. She brought him back."

"Is that all?"

She was mad.

"What?"

The door behind her was locked, but she turned to check before stepping away from it and towards them. Her face was stoic, her expression unnaturally blank as she neared him. "I saw it. I was waiting outside for you to come back and I saw it."

He raised an eyebrow as his guardian stalked even closer. "Saw what?"

"You kissed her." Her single eye focused solely on him as she jumped to an easy conclusion. "You kissed her right in front of me."

"No, I didn't." He calmly faced the accusation and turned away from it in favor of taking Pen-Pen to the refrigerator he used to live in. "Hikari is my friend, Misato… We're not like that."

"The same way you're friends with Ritsuko?"

"Did you have a bad day or something…?"

She slammed her fist into the wall and scared her pet enough to make him retreat behind his roommate. "What the fuck does it look like, Shinji! Does it look like I'm fucking happy right now!? Huh?"

"Calm d-"

"Don't!" His guardian screamed as she marched across the room to face him. "Don't tell me to calm down! Tell me why you want to kiss everyone but me!! Tell me why you always have that look on your face every time you come here!"

"It's not like that…" He voiced in his own defense. "I like coming here Misato. You know that. It's just that I get kind of tired walking here from school. I got kind of used to taking the bus to-"

"It's been two fucking weeks Shinji! Two!!" She hit the wall again, giving the penguin another reason cower behind her charge. "It's easy as pie for you to touch other girls, to give that bitch what she wants but what do I get? Huh? You tell me I'm beautiful but you don't want to touch me? Remember that? You say you like coming here but you still call her apartment home?"

"Misato," Shinji sighed as he looked watched the penguin leave. The celebration was ruined before he could even plan it. "We talked about this before. I told you that I was going to stay with her and… you know I can't be with you that way."

"Bullshit!!" Misato pointed at him, her temper reaching boiling point as she yelled. "You're mine Shinji! I tired of sharing you with her!" She couldn't stand it anymore. She tried to hold out for as long as it took for him to come to his senses but she couldn't take it anymore. Everyone was alright except her. He was only slow to touch her. "You tell me to take the medicine. I do. You ask me to be careful with the drinks. I listen but what have you done for me Shinji?" She waited on him to say something just so she could retort but he opted to keep his silence. "All I want… All I'm asking you to do is to be with me."

"No…" A cold, instant denial killed any words she could articulate and any thought she could muster. He couldn't bend. He couldn't let her bend him or he'd fold and never be able to undo the crease she would eventually put in him. "Misato, we can't." He followed up with an explanation she didn't want. "I'm not going to make anyone… the other woman. I'm not going to do that to you."

"There doesn't have to be another woman!" She exclaimed. "I'm right here Shinji! I'm not going anywhere and you don't care. You don't care about me!"

"If I didn't care about you I wouldn't be here!"

"Okay." She narrowed her eye at him, her voice dropping an octave as she decided to try another angle to prove her point. "You kiss someone else and-"

"I didn't kiss her!"

"Now you're telling me you won't cheat on anyone when that's all you've been doing." She continued undaunted. "Feel free Shinji. Yeah, walk all over me." She was sarcastic, her smirk falling in place with her words as she waltzed around him. "I'm just the welcome mat to better things, right? Would have been better if I was dead, huh?"

That was not what he wanted to hear.

"Misato…"

He raised his head and glanced at her, trying his hardest to maintain an empty smile as he walked by her. She hurt him. He looked the same way he did when she pushed him in the hospital, the same way he did when she tried to kiss him.

"W-What do you want for dinner?"

His voice hiccupped as he left for the kitchen. He was defeated. Any effort to defend himself only seemed to add fuel to her fire. Instead of a lasting confrontation, he opted to start on dinner and hoped it would be good enough to savage at least some of what was supposed to be a good day.

"Hey…"

"Pen-Pen?" Shinji looked around for the bird and felt a little better when he peaked around a corner. "Come on, let's make something to eat. We got to welcome you back."

"Wark…" The penguin edged around his owner and followed the boy into the kitchen but the least than excited sound the bird made his roommate feel that the big dinner he planned failed as well.

"Hey!" She raised her voice and both of them stopped what they were doing to look at her. "Shinji… I-Look, I don't really care who you kiss." She lied. "I just want you to kiss me, too. I just want you to love me like you said you did."

"Can we talk about this-"

"No," Misato cut him off again. "Shinji, I'm… Look at me." He did and she managed a smile. "You're the only one that can look at me Shinji. I know I'm jealous. I know that I'm a bitch sometimes but you said you loved me Shinji and I don't feel like you do anymore."

Thirteen days.

She made it through the first week without any trouble even though she hated when the bitch came over for dinner. Aside from that, she was happy until she realized exactly how much free time she had. She didn't have to clean since he did it every time he came over. She didn't have to shop for food and she didn't have any bills to pay anymore.

The only thing she could do was think and her idle thoughts lead her to things she never bothered to consider before. Questions plagued her but it was the answers that kept her awake at night. It was the answers that gave her hell for nearly the whole week and seeing one of her worst fears come true forced her to confront him.

"I'm sorry…" Her voice was small and her eye unfocused as she apologized. "It's just that I'm here all by myself all day. I spend hours rolling cans across a table waiting for you to come back and when I go outside to wait I see you with a girl… a _younger_ girl."

The issue with Ritsuko was one thing but losing him to one of his classmates was something straight out of a nightmare. One of his classmates could sink her claws into him just as, if not more, easily than the blonde herself. If something like that was to happen…

"Misato, you're not old and I told you the truth." He rubbed the penguin on the head before rising to his full height. "I swear."

There was a big chance she didn't see what she thought she saw on account of only having one good eye but she couldn't forget that he lied to her before. With a sigh, she gave him the benefit of the doubt but she was far from finished.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for getting mad over nothing but I just want to know if you still love me." She pressed him, her voice lacking the scathing tone it held at first. "All I want is the truth Shinji."

"Of course I do…"

"Then leave Ritsuko."

Continued…

Author's Note: Only a few more chapters to go and then it'd be time to think about what I've been doing Lately.

CF


	10. Misato

Disclaimer: All rights belong to Gainax.

Remember Me

Entry Ten:

Misato

"Then leave Ritsuko."

Misato pulled errant strains of purple away, the hair that obstructed her view of him tucked behind her ear in and effort to see him better after she asked him to something he had to do. Although it sounded like one, it was far from an ultimatum. It wasn't even an order but it was far from a suggestion. She was just asking him to do the right thing. She was asking him to make the same choice he made long before he started living with Ritsuko.

She was asking him to stay with her.

"Misato…"

"I don't know why you like her Shinji. I don't know what makes her better than me but I can change." His guardian held out her hand to the penguin and he waddled over to where she stood. "I can do whatever she does better and…" She petted Pen-Pen on the head, smiling as he opened his emerald green eyes to look at her. "We're a family. I know things have been rocky but we're family. You can't let her come out of nowhere and break this up."

"I keep telling you it's not her…" Shinji mumbled, his sigh in contrast with the reunion in front of him. "All of this is my fault. I know you don't like this but I can't just walk up to Ritsuko and flat out tell her it's over."

"But you can." Misato injected before moving away from her penguin. "You can call her right now and—No!" She snapped, raising her hand to point at him. "Don't give me that look! I bet she asked you to do the same thing to me."

"Ritsuko was trying to help." He lowered his head, shaking it as he glued his sight to the floor. "She never told me to do something like that…."

"I think you're missing something here." She stood in front of him, meeting his gaze with her own as the penguin waddled into the room behind her. "I—Me, Misato—came first. I was the one that spent the night with you when you were lonely. I was the one that wanted you when your own father didn't. I'm the one that almost died saving your life and I never asked for anything in return." She paused, if only to let him take in everything she said before she continued. "Right now, I'm not asking you to kiss me. You don't have to even touch me if you don't want to. All I'm asking, all I want to know is what makes her better than me? Why are you with her instead of me?"

"She's not better than you." Her expression brightened at the prospect but he wasn't finished. "It's not anything like that… I love you. I really do but I love her, too."

"Then why!?"

If that was the case then it only served to make her more frustrated. When she asked for volunteers to shelter Shinji so he wouldn't have to stay at headquarters, the good doctor herself was the first one to walk out the room. While she was comforting a crying Shinji, Doctor Akagi was probably somewhere fucking his father. While she was fending off soldiers all by herself in hopes of saving the only thing that mattered to her, no one had any idea where the blonde was.

"She's a bitch, Shinji! She's not even worth her weight in shit!" Her face twisted in rage, a scowl defining her mood as she yelled. "Why! Why are you with her!?"

"Misato, We…" He started without meaning to, his mouth open but no words spared until he looked up at her again. "Both of us have to stop pretending that we're not hurting each other and we hurt each other a lot…"

"No…" Misato stepped back, her hand covering her mouth as terror expanded in her eye. "No…" She was bombarded, effectively hit in by the half-hearted answer to her own question.

He was saying that their relationship, the same relationship she worked at since she helped moved his stuff into her apartment, was something that never worked from the beginning. He was saying that they were dysfunctional, that the things they tried to do together usually ending with them worse than before.

He was saying he didn't want to be with her.

The wind in her sails was lost, the sea she drifted in made up of her confusion. She tried to think but every thought was a wave that merely crashed into her, thoughts that overwhelmed a mind that was overburdened with the truth. Nothing made sense. What he was saying didn't make sense.

She was his life.

If it wasn't for her then he would have been dead many times over and she alone was the reason he was still alive. How could he reject her? How could he stand right in front of her and tell her that the relationship she sacrificed so much for was something that could never work?

She felt like she was going to fall over so she reached out and placed a hand on the wall. Her breathing was labored, hey eye unfocused as she witness their relationship dissolve in light of the truth that she couldn't hide from. She tried regardless. She tried to latch on to something, anything to savage what was already falling apart no matter how hard she tried.

Hurting each other? It was never intentional. They merely made mistakes. All couples did. They could get over them because they did before. To her, Ritsuko was just another obstacle, another hurdle in a race they always ran together but he saw things differently. The problems he saw concerned not the doctor but himself. It was never a matter of someone else coming between them. The only hurdle in front of him was none other than the person he used to be and, to him, leaving Misato was a necessary step in the right direction for both of them.

"You can't leave me…" She was bent over, her head bowed before she lifted it to face him. "You can't do this to me, Shinji… I came back for you. You're the only reason I tried so hard to come back."

"No one has to leave or anything." He approached her with the intent to help. "We can all stay together Misato but I…" It was hard to say. "I just don't want to be with you that way anymore."

"You cheated on me… and now you're asking me to live with you? With her? I can't do that." She felt sick but she couldn't just lay down and hoped he changed his mind. "I can't do that…" She repeated, stressing the fact as she stared at him. "I only want to be with you so…"

"Misato, I'm not going to abandon you."

"You are…" She rubbed at her eye, the tears starting to come as things couldn't get any worse. "I told you I could change… I can get better. I have been getting better but you're not even trying." She was crying. "You're not even trying, Shinji."

"It's not you, it-"

"Don't give me that shit!" She cried, screaming at him through her tears. "If you say it's your fault then make it up to me! Don't tell me that you don't like me anymore! Don't tell me that you rather be with someone else!"

"You know how I feel about you and I'll always be here when you need-" His cell phone started to ring and both of them already knew who it was. "If you need me, I'll be here so don't make it sound like I don't care."

"You only care about her." She turned around and walked away, giving him ample time to answer his phone and an opportunity for her to collect her thoughts.

Shinji sighed as she left the kitchen and joined her penguin in the living room. He always knew it would end with her hating him but it was better than the alternative. "Hello?" The ringing phone was silenced when he answered it. "Yeah… I'm alright. Huh?" He listened to the woman on the other end. "No, I… You don't have to come over here. I'll leave after I make dinner. Okay… I love you, too. Bye."

He hung the phone up and sighed again before opening the refrigerator. He grabbed an onion, some peppers, and briefly considered using the meat before deciding to save it for tomorrow. After opening a few cabinets and collecting the other ingredients for the meal, Shinji turned on the stove and lost himself in the act of cooking.

Misato was right.

He loved her but what condolence was that when he cheated on her? How was she supposed to feel? Happy? Glad that he turned to someone else when all she wanted was to be with him? How was she supposed to know how much he cared when all he did was hurt her?

She saved him from more than just the soldiers that came seconds from killing him. She saved him from his father, from… Asuka but he couldn't bother to lend her a helping hand. He was always too scared to help her because she was someone that wasn't supposed to need help. To him, Misato was someone who didn't cry or get hurt. She was the person that protected him so…

"No…" He stopped dicing the onions. "That's not why…"

That wasn't it at all. Misato was Misato. The one that pushed him into the elevator was the same one that slapped him after he disobeyed her orders. The one that welcomed him to Tokyo-3 was the same one that made Mana leave. The Misato that thought he didn't love her anymore was the same one that would run into a burning house if she thought he was inside. Misato didn't change at all.

He did.

He used to be content with nothing. Every day used to be tense, the fact that an attack could literally occur at any time something that gave him no time to think about later days when it was very possible that he wouldn't live to see them.

It took people dying to make him realize that he was wasting his future, wasting potential that people around him invested their hopes in. That was why he decided to give every single day his best effort. It was the reason why the first thing he decided to do when he heard that Misato woke up was take care of her but he knew he couldn't stay with her.

He knew early on that they weren't helping each other. She was only helping him and it was only after she was gone that he realized that what they had was not a relationship. He only depended on her and she let him. He was using her. He was always using her and he made the choice to stop long before he thought he'd ever see her again.

There was no reason he couldn't be with Misato. She was hurt but it changed nothing between them other than her perception of herself. She got ill-tempered but it was only because of the stress he was putting her through. Misato was Misato no matter what happened and he would always love her, but there was one undeniable truth that couldn't be ignored.

She was his crutch.

When he messed up, she was the first person to ever meet him at eye level and tell him that it was nothing big. She supported him. She was always on his side, always in his corner defending and protecting him the best she could. It was that helping hand that became an excuse within itself, something he was weak against because he allowed himself to be.

He didn't want it to be like that…

He slid the peppers and onions off of the chopping board and into the skillet. They crackled and sizzled on contact with the oil, the aroma itself pleasing enough to make him hungry even though he ate before coming to the apartment.

The rice cooker started beeping, its job complete as the woman who returned to the kitchen lifted the top. Shinji continued to pick at the vegetables as he stirred, keeping his silence the same way his guardian did as she moved towards the cabinet and reached over him to grab some bowls.

"He went to sleep." She said in reference to her pet as she reached a scoop into the rice.

"Oh… I see."

Misato walked over to the table and set her bowl on top of it, the atmosphere in the kitchen charged with tension as she took her seat. Calmly and quietly, she snapped apart one of the disposable chopsticks she saved and started eating. Before long, dinner was finished and he made sure to save a plate for the resting penguin before taking a seat opposite her.

"You're not hungry?"

"N-No," The sudden question surprised him given how she was acting. "I already ate."

"This is pretty good."

"It's just rice…"

"Yeah." She took in another mouthful and chewed it before speaking again. "You're going to regret it, Shinji."

"Huh?"

"If you leave me then I'm going to make sure you regret it."

She was staring directly at him, her expression just as blank as the look in her eye but twice as unnerving. There was no love about the way she said it and it wasn't just another tasteless joke. She was serious.

"I don't-"

"No." Misato didn't stop looking at him. "I don't want to hear what you have to say. I want you to listen to me right now. You are making a mistake." She placed the chopsticks to the side, her small meal unfinished as she strived to make a point strong enough to change his mind. "It's… It's okay if you don't want us to be together anymore but don't let… her make you into something you're not. She wants you to be your father, Shinji. She wants you to be something you're not and she's turning you against me."

"Misato," He faced the empty gaze she directed at him. "You have been looking kind of tired so-"

"Goddamnit Shinji!" She balled her hand into a fist. "Don't try to tell me I'm making things up again. I'm telling you that she isn't what you think she is. She is not me. She isn't going to help you the way I did."

"I don't need any help." He found himself lowering his sight to the bowl in front of her. "Not anymore…"

"Okay. I got it. No touching. No fucking." She lowered her voice, her expression softening as she returned her hand to her lap. "If you don't want to then it's okay. Really, I understand but I need you to stay with me. That's all I want. We don't have to share a bed. We don't even have to be in the same room. You can have my bed. Just stay here… Don't leave me."

Desperation leaked into her voice and crept onto her face. She couldn't hide it and she didn't make an effort to. She was ready to flat out beg if it came to it but she wasn't going to let him walk away without putting up a fight. She didn't care what she had to do as long as he stayed.

"Please… come and live with us Misato. We can-"

"No!! Listen to me!" She stood up, the chair nearly falling as she wasted no time getting to her feet. "You're making a mistake! She didn't fall in love with you. She fell in love with your name. Just stay here for a week. A week. That's all I'm asking you for… I swear I'll never ask you for anything again."

"Misato, it's going to be okay…" He stayed seated, giving her some space as he tried to calm her down. "Believe me. Just try to get some sleep. We can all sit down and talk about this tomorrow, alright?"

"I'm tired-" She paused as his phone rung. "I'm tired of you treating me like I'm disabled and I don't—No, wait. Give me the phone, Shinji."

He sighed as he slid his chair back and stood up. "You know I'm not going to do that." The call meant that his girlfriend was waiting outside. "I'll-"

She was quick.

Misato rounded the table in less time than it took the pluck the phone from his hand and he could only look on in shock as she raised it above her head. She threw it down as hard as she could, nearly pulling a muscle with the force she exerted and he didn't need to look to know that it was beyond repair.

"No Ritsuko. No school." Misato huffed as she stood over the pieces of his cell phone. "No Angels. No NERV. Just us…" She took another deep breath before using the back of her hand to wipe the sweat off her forehead. She was tired. She was sleepy, too, but she could still think straight. "I'm not going to let her eat dinner with us anymore and I'm not going to live with her. If you love me then you'll understand. If you really love me then you'll stay…" She added, the feral look in her eye something that trapped him where he stood.

"I'll…" He looked at the remains of his cell phone before turning around. "I'll be back tomorrow."

"Shinji…" Misato called out to him, her vision blurring as the tears started to come all over again. "If you walk out that door… then you're going to be sorry. I swear you're going to regret it for the rest of your life."

He stopped.

Her charge peered over his shoulder, a single red eye looking at nothing other than the woman he was leaving behind. She was wrong. The reason he was leaving was because he loved her. The reason why he couldn't be with her was because he loved her.

He didn't say anything but it was the look. It was the look she saw before, his expression the sum of everything that made her angry. If he was so sad then why couldn't he let her make him feel better? If he was so hurt then why couldn't he let her be the one to take care of him? She got frustrated, angry as she realized he wasn't even going to give her the chance.

A bowl smashed into the wall. Porcelain pieces rained onto the floor beside him and she followed it up by throwing another one. Grains of rice flew through the air, some landing on him as another bowl crashed into the wall.

"Leave then!!" Misato picked up another bowl, the last of the ones on the table, and threw it. She missed him but her point was made with how close it came to hitting him. "Go back to that bitch! Don't come back crying to me when you get tired of her bullshit!!"

He stood in place for another second, looking at her before ultimately walking away. She didn't try to stop him but he could still hear her breaking the dishes she bought so long ago. He stopped at the door and listened. Her sobs contrasted with the sound of chairs being kicked over, of dishes being launched through the air and making an impact at whatever she threw them at.

She was more than angry, more than just sad that he was leaving. She was heartbroken, the sound of things breaking mirroring the way she really felt and making him feel worse the longer he listened. She wouldn't want to see him tomorrow or probably ever again but he would still come. He would always come but there was somewhere else for him to be.

He unlocked the door and stepped into the late evening. The sun was gone, the sky dotted with stars and covered the darkness of night but he could easily see the car in the parking lot waiting on him. Ritsuko waited, the headlights she kept on a subtle sign that she was ready to go long before he was. Did he leave Misato for her? He didn't know exactly… It felt like he didn't know anything anymore. He felt a little lost but the car waiting on him promised he had a place to go, a place where he was supposed to be so he left.

0

"You told her!?" Ritsuko dropped the bag on the table, excitement holding off her hunger long enough for her to smile at her boyfriend. "You're not going to see her anymore?"

It was rare for her to get excited but she couldn't help herself. She knew it was in bad taste to be happy that he was sad but, given the news, she couldn't help but feel elated. She got what she wanted. She finally had him to herself and, frankly, she didn't give a damn how it happened or what he told her. He was finished with Misato and that alone made her so happy that she felt like crying.

"She needs some time…" He replied. "I don't think she wants me to go over there anymore but I'll try the day after tomorrow."

That meant that he was free tomorrow. It meant that, at least for one day, there was no Misato to think about and she seized the opportunity. Plans, things they could do together, sprouted in her mind as she pulled the groceries out of the bags and put them away.

She could take off work. They didn't even have to go anywhere. They could stay at home and just play a game of cards. They could just watch a movie. They could just sit on the couch and talk. It was suddenly like she got her life back and she welcomed it with open arms.

"I… didn't want to be her crutch."

The reason.

The blonde stopped rearranging the refrigerator to fit more stuff inside and turned to look at her boyfriend. He collapsed into a chair, his eyepatch balled in his hand and his face buried in his palm as he said it.

"Shinji…"

She wasn't sure if he was crying or not but it was his helplessness that gave her pause. He was always somewhat fragile, always a few words away from being depressed but it wasn't often that he looked so vulnerable.

Unwarranted and unprompted, he gave her the reason she didn't need or asked for and her entire mood shifted. She couldn't be happy when he was like that. What happened obviously effected him but she too wrapped up in fact that he left Misato to think about how it made him feel.

He just wanted to help.

It was a part of his character, one of the traits he would always have and was never quick to dismiss. Helping people was something he liked to do. Helping people was something he loved to do but he hated being relied on. Being depended on was the worst thing that could happen simply because he already thought of himself as a disappointment.

She knew that.

Ritsuko touched him, an understanding touch meant to soothe doing just what she wanted to as he stopped sinking in his own misery. Did he remember? Did he remember when he came to her that night intent on helping her even though he didn't feel any better than she did, even though he forgot what happy was?

She knew how it he felt. He wanted to be left alone but, at the same time, he didn't. He was hopelessly hurt, the next day becoming something he didn't look forward to the same way the one after that would be nothing special. It was the same way she felt before he visited her on the night when she couldn't be anymore lost and he gave her the direction she needed, he gave her a way to go but she only wanted to go with him.

That was why she wouldn't leave him alone.

"You don't have to worry about her anymore." She rubbed her hand up and down his back. "She's going to be angry but she's smart enough to get over it."

"That's not it… I tried to tell her that it didn't work, that we couldn't be together but she wouldn't listen to me." He sat up with different color eyes flooded in sorrow. "She never listened to me. I always tried to tell her but she never listened. We keep hurting each other without knowing why but she wants to keep going like that. She wants us to be together even though I… even though I cheated-"

"Shhh…" His lover smiled at him, lovingly giving him a smile as a kitten pawed at his pants. She knew exactly how it felt to be sidelined, to only have your opinion noted when it wanted to be heard. That's why she knew exactly what to say, the words he needed to hear something that was easy to say.

"I'll listen."

Continued…

Author's note: Looks like things are wrapping up but I think some sad things might be ahead.

CF


	11. Reminiscing

Disclaimer: All rights belong to Gainax.

Remember Me

Entry Eleven:

Reminiscing

"Ah, a butterfly…" Ritsuko watched the winged insect leave the flower it fed from. It took to the air, flying to a safer place as the woman walked by with her boyfriend not far behind. "It's been a long time since I saw one."

"It's because you're always so busy." Shinji smiled at her when she turned around. "When you work really hard I guess it's easy to miss the stuff you don't really care about."

"I like animals, Shinji." She shared his smile as they walked through the park. "I always did. If I wasn't so interested in biology then I probably wouldn't have even considered genetics."

Ritsuko pointed at a spot ahead and her boyfriend walked by her to lay out the blanket he had tucked under his arm. Gently, he spread it out and laid it down right in the shade of the tree she leaned on. He placed the basket on top of the blanket and his girlfriend watched as he pulled out the lunch he made in advance.

They were having a picnic.

She approached him with the idea after dinner and, though the fallout with his guardian was still on his mind, he was happy to go. He never went on a picnic before and neither did she, but the basic concept of it wasn't too hard to work out.

The weather report promised a sky full of sun and it was exactly what they got. The only thing that shielded them from the rays was the solitary tree behind her, but the weather was perfect for eating outside.

Another line was crossed off her mental checklist. She already picked a good spot, there were only one or two people around, and Shinji was with her. The only thing she had left to worry about was the food and the wrapped-up sandwiches he pulled out the basket were small promises that everything would be alright.

"You're right about working too hard." Ritsuko strolled over to him after he finished laying out all the food he brought. "I even feel kind of underdressed without my lab coat…"

"Not at all." Shinji titled his head, offering her a smile along with a sandwich as he looked up at her. "You look really nice in that."

"T-This…?" She blushed, bowing her head not only to hide the red on her face but to glance at the sundress she wore. It was something she bought for date she ended up not going on. It rested in the back of the closet, a cream-colored traitor in the midst of stark white lab coats, sleeveless blouses, and knee-length skirts. "This is old. I…" She couldn't stop blushing. "It was by chance that I found it."

"I'm glad you did."

"Y-You're awfully forward today…"

"Ha," He shook his head after she accepted the sandwich. "It's just the truth, that's all. It reminds me of when we first met."

Ritsuko frowned. "I wasn't wearing-"

"I know, I know. Whenever I see you dressed differently, it reminds me of the first time I saw you." Shinji interrupted before she misunderstood him. "Do you remember? Misato got lost so she had to call you. I was so busy looking around that I didn't notice someone was in front of me."

"Yeah…" The doctor sighed, she remembered the rest well. "You bumped into me and we both fell into the pool. I was pretty angry—and I could have sworn your hand went somewhere it wasn't supposed to be."

"I apologized for that three weeks straight…"

"You don't understand." Ritsuko took a deep breath, sighing before shaking her head from side to side. "That's how long it took for everyone to stop cracking their jokes behind my back, too. I walked into rooms and people snickered till I left but, now that I look back on it, NERV…"

"Wasn't all that bad…?" He wondered, looking at her to see if she agreed his sentiment.

"It really wasn't. Not at the beginning, that is." She took a bite out of his sandwich and silently thanked every god she could think of before taking another. "It was work and I'm a scientist. Research and maintenance … Optimizing and calculating… It was a world inside itself, Shinji. I lost myself in theories and number crunching, but it was what I wanted…"

"Why though?" He put off eating his own sandwich as he stared at her.

"I was distracting myself." She had no lies to tell or secrets to hide. "I wasn't working for money. I wasn't working to prove that I was better than my mother… I knew all along that I was my own person. I just…"

Ritsuko sighed again, slightly shaking her head as she reflected on the darkest days of her life. "I just realized that what I was doing wasn't what I thought it was. I wasn't doing work for the good of the world. I began to see that everything… everything I strived for every day was just apart of his agenda but I couldn't just stop."

"Why?" His own lunch was halted, his question asked before he could quiet the desire to know. "Why did you keep going if you were unhappy?"

"Because he was the only one that saw me…"

While her co-workers pranced around chatting about what they were going to do on their days off, she was deciphering equations that looked like riddles and putting off sleep in hopes of figuring them out. When everyone was gone for the night, she was in front of a computer reviewing data that other people simply didn't care about. She did her work alone and didn't even notice she was lonely until she realized she had no one to talk to and no one to go home with.

She knew why.

It was because she was Doctor Akagi. She was the blonde bitch that couldn't take a joke, the woman that always put people to sleep with her explanations, the queen of ice who had a shoulder so cold that people left her notes instead of talking to her… It was a persona, an image she projected by mistake but used to sink herself even deeper into her work.

"I can't even remember how it started…" Ritsuko leaned back, the heel of her shoe digging into the grass as she stretched out. "I was working one day and he asked me if I was hungry…" The fondness the memory instilled in her brought out a smile regardless of the things that happened. "He asked me if I was alright."

"Was it before I came?" Shinji started eating again, his reluctance to ask questions something that failed to appear thanks to her expression. "I didn't really notice until you… uh… said something about it."

His girlfriend nodded. "Yes, it started way before then and I wasn't exactly trying to flaunt it. I was just lonely. I guess being smart doesn't do anything for you when you're vulnerable."

"Don't put it like that…" Shinji moved closer to her, the gap of space between them filled as she leaned into him.

"No sense in denying it. People do things they normally wouldn't do when they're lonely…" She thought for a while, the head she rested on his shoulder lifted as she was struck by a thought. "Hey."

He pulled another sandwich out of the basket before responding. "Yes?"

"Shinji…" She blinked, mystified that she never thought to mention it before. "Your father. It didn't bother you that I… murdered him?"

"It did." He went back to his sandwich, his indifference noted as he started eating again. "Well, I cared but I was more—I don't know—I guess surprised that you killed him. I kind of figured that he had some secret way out or something, but I never would have guessed that he was trying to start Third Impact…" He stopped to remember how he felt before speaking again. "To tell the truth, I was more worried about Rei than my father. I just kept telling myself that you did it to stop them."

"Then why didn't you get angry at me? Why did you do… that for me right after I told you?

"You were like me." Shinji placed aside the half-eaten sandwich before laying down, his eyes directed at nothing but the pretty blue above. "I saw you that night and I wanted to do something. I had to do something. I wanted to make something right for once…"

"Shinji…" She laid down beside him, her lunch finished as she smiled at he same sky he looked at. "I believe you. I really do but…" Her smile died a little as she turned towards him. "If you're angry at me even a little then-"

"I'm not. Honest." His voice was soft, his tone affectionate as he reached for and grabbed her hand. "I didn't necessarily feel good about it but, that day, I learned something important… You were going to cry yourself to sleep but you woke up the next morning happy. You woke up and smiled at me even though you felt so sad the night before. I was kind of envious… but I was really happy. It made me happy when you smiled and I knew then that it was something that I could do, too. Sometimes it feels like my mistakes creep up on me but you taught me to keep looking forward."

He drew another blush, the praise he showered her with more than enough to flatter her even as it lifted the old weight that was on her heart. It was not that he forgave her. He couldn't forgive her because the wrong she committed wasn't against him. Instead, he openly accepted the wrong along with the right and acknowledged that things just happened. Good people did bad things the same way bad people did good. What she did was bad but he knew she was a good person. There was enough comfort in his understanding to lull her to sleep but she was so grateful that all she could do was smile.

The cloud that held back the sun's radiance passed by and its rays filtered through the tree branches to land on them. Shinji sat up, the shadow he cast on his girlfriend blocking out the sunlight as he matched her smile with his own. "I miss Rei and I wish I could have gotten to know my father better, but you saved us. You did do it out of spite but no one can argue about the end result."

"Looking forward…"

It was hard to believe she taught him how to aspire for the future considering she often believed herself to be stuck in the past. It didn't seem too long ago when she just Naoko's daughter instead of Ritsuko or Doctor Akagi herself. She spent so much time trying to get away from her mother that she didn't even notice how similar she really was to her. It was because of her ignorance that she never set her sights on nothing more than the work on her table or another late dinner with the commander.

No, she didn't teach him anything at all. He just misunderstood her and turned it into something positive. It was subtle way to cheer up, so subtle that he didn't even notice he was doing it. He was doing it solely for her sake because he loved her.

Ritsuko closed her eyes and briefly basked in the bare sensation, the feeling that enveloped her every time he smiled at her. "It was because you were there. It's only because you were with me…"

Another butterfly fluttered by and a friendly spring breeze touched them, ruffling her dress and his hair as it passed by. Birds called to each other as she opened her eyes and admired not only the day but the fact that she was even alive, the fact that she finally had what she always wanted.

If she had known in advance that Shinji of all people would suit her the best then…

Then what?

As she laced her hands behind her head, Ritsuko decided she didn't have any regrets or any more lingering feelings from the things that happened. It was precisely because things happened the way they did that they came together the way they did. There were certainly things that made her sad, but she was happy. She was finally happy.

"Do you want to play?" Her lover pulled a deck of cards out of his pocket after posing a question he didn't even have to ask.

"Shinji…" She nodded, the invitation to a game something that touched her because of memories of solitaire. "I love you."

0

"Huh? How did you break your phone…?"

Shinji scratched the side of his face as he kneeled to give the tray of milk to the cats. He was tired of lying, but another confrontation was something he didn't want at all. A white lie was still a lie but it was just something he'll have to lay on his conscious until he could make it up to her.

"I dropped it." He sighed a little upon remembering how hard his guardian threw it at the floor. "Well, I dropped it kind of hard…"

"It's alright. I'm just glad you brought it up but," Ritsuko took off her apron and placed it on the back of a chair. "You should have let me know earlier. We could have got you another one on the way back here."

"It's alright…" He stood back up and went back to the sink to finish washing dishes. "I'm kind of glad it's gone. I mean I still used to get nervous when people called me but at least I'll be able to get a better one now."

"You can let me get it…" She suggested as she dragged her fingers across the apron that rested on the chair. It was a gift that he gave her last year for no particular reason or, at least, that was what he said. It didn't take her genius to realize the reason he bought it was because she got sauce on her coat the day before but that wasn't really why he got it. It wasn't a gift born from necessity but, instead, just the general idea that it would be helpful, the touching thought that he could do something for her. "You want one that can play music, right?"

"Oh, you don't have to worry about that." He finished, grabbing a towel to dry his hands before rolling his sleeves back down. "I'm sorry that I forgot to tell you, but I was really trying to ask if I could use yours."

"To call her?"

"Yeah," Shinji nodded, tossing the towel on the table before he neared Ritsuko. "I'm still going to go see how she's doing tomorrow but I wanted to check-"

"She already made her decision. If she doesn't want our help then there's nothing we can do for her." The blonde pulled back the hand she extended to him and the phone along with it. "If she wants to be alone then let her be alone."

"Ritsuko… She's not alone." Her boyfriend reminded her. "I just thought it'd be good if I left her by herself for a little while but I'm not going to give up on her. Can I please use your phone?"

"No."

She watched his eyebrows rise for a moment, confusion then disbelief setting in as he stared at her with wide eyes. He was stunned, shocked that she denied him something as simple as a phone call, but she was making her stand once and for all.

"She left. She went over there on her own power. She doesn't need our help, Shinji. I don't even think she wants it." Ritsuko turned around, leaving the kitchen in favor of the living room as she walked away. "You said yourself that you'd give her a day to calm down."

"That didn't mean that I didn't want to know how she was doing."

She spun around to face the boy that followed her. "What happened to not wanting to be her crutch?"

"I just want to know if she's alright…" He stopped in front of her, making eye contact as he tried again. "I know you don't want me to talk to her. I understand that, but isn't she still your friend? Wouldn't you understand how she feels more-"

"Don't." She started with an edge to her voice. "Don't try to make it seem like she's the most pitiful person in the world because she's not. I told her to get some rest and she didn't listen. I gave her a room to sleep in and she left. I gave her my clothes, I kept her company, and I'm the one who watched over her for months when she was practically an invalid."

"I never got a thank you. All I got from her was spite and that's all she is going to give you." Ritsuko continued her monologue, growing angrier the more she thought about the woman she resented. "She just wants you to pity her, Shinji. She wants you to feel sorry for her so she can drag you down to her level. Do you want to let her pull you down with her?"

"Ritsuko…"

"Misato doesn't think of you as Shinji. She thinks she owns you. She thinks that Shinji is _something_ that belongs to her and all she wants to do is use you as a trophy. I told you this before." The doctor took a deep breath and let it go as she shook her head. "I explained this to you but you don't understand. You just don't-"

"I do." He interrupted her softly, his silence lifted in an effort to make her see where he was coming from. "I know you think I like Misato more. I know you think you can't compare with her. I know that you don't even mean half the things you say about her."

When Misato got angry, she got livid. She'd throw things, call people names, and even draw her handgun if she had it on her. He knew that because he experienced her anger before. He saw her get mad a lot of times but it was only when she was enraged that she twisted words and intentionally gave them edges sharp enough to cut. It was impossible to talk to her when she got that mad, but Ritsuko was different.

His girlfriend was always cool. She was cool when she was happy, when she was sad, but especially when she was angry. Instead of being loud, she whispered. Instead of moving about a room, she opted to stay in one place. If Misato was like a steady flow of lava, then Ritsuko was like poison on the silverware. Both of them dangerous in their own right, but he could never quite see where the blonde was coming from until it was too late.

"No," She countered, her voice low as she narrowed her eyes at him. "I do mean every single thing I say about her, I am better than her, and if you didn't love me more than her then you wouldn't be here right now."

She didn't have any doubts about her confidence anymore and wouldn't address them even if she did. Misato, at least the one he knew, wasn't a person. His Misato was a concept. His Misato was the person he wanted her to be superimposed on the flawed reality and it was with that thought that she relented. If he wanted to talk to his guardian, she'll let him do it.

"You know what?" Ritsuko walked up to him and held out her cell phone. "I take it back. Call her."

"Okay…" He was wary, slow to accept the phone from someone he knew was stubborn. There had to be a reason. She was trying to show him something by letting him talk to his guardian. There was a lesson to be learned, but all he wanted to do was check on Misato. He took it. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." She replied before leaving for her bedroom, her interest in being around him while he spoke to his guardian little to none.

Shinji watched her walked away as he held the phone up to his ear. He listened, patient as it rung twice and then four times. It was after the fifth when she picked up. "Hello? Misato, it's me. I just wanted to know if you were—Huh?"

She hung up.

"She hung up already?" Ritsuko returned with a lit cigarette. "I'm surprised she even picked up."

Shinji didn't say anything as he hit redial, the sound of the numbers being pressed greeting him in place of the dial tone. He waited, tapping his foot as his girlfriend took a drag from her cigarette.

"I told you." She repeated herself after shaking off the ash into the tray she held. "She thinks of you as an object. If you are not hers then she doesn't want or need you."

Shinji lowered the phone after realizing she wasn't going to answer again but he still had something he wanted to know. "How can you talk about each other like that?" He flipped her cell phone close and sighed as he looked at her. "I… I knew Misato would start hating me sooner or later, but I thought you two would understand each other. I thought you would be able to help her more than I could, Ritsuko…"

"You thought wrong." She was clinically cold, her eyes as harsh as her words as she took another drag from her cigarette. "I honestly don't care. If it makes her feel any better then let her keep calling me a bitch. Frankly, she can call me whatever she wants but the truth is that I'm the one that's here and, if you keep crawling back to her, you're going to become exactly what she wants you to be."

Ritsuko titled her head to the side, his sight following the direction she nodded in until he saw the wheelchair his guardian left behind. "A crutch? She leaned on you long before you even noticed it, probably long before she even slept with you." She blew out a faint, gray cloud. "That's what you'll become…"

A wheelchair.

She'd used him when he was convenient. She'd use him, but he wasn't something she really needed. Her point was made with pinpoint accuracy and Shinji could only stare at the rejected wheelchair in silence. He didn't want to become something like that… He swore on his life he'd take care of Misato but at what cost?

"She broke your cell phone, didn't she? After I called you?"

He was caught in a lie.

"I…" He felt something similar to a lump in his throat, guilt making it hard for him to talk. "I dropped it."

"She got angry when it rung and took it from you." Shrewd eyes gazed at him as she smoked. She knew something just didn't sound right about him being careless like that especially when he usually went out of his way to take care of his stuff. It wasn't difficult to put the truth together when there was only one reason he would lie. "Just think about it. You're trying to protect someone that broke your phone and then hung up on you when you tried calling her."

"She was angry and… I didn't mean to lie to you. It's just-"

"You didn't want me to get mad at her?" She finished his sentence for him. "I'm not mad. I was never mad at her. I'm just sad that she doesn't understand that things have changed."

"Ritsuko…" All he could think about was the wheelchair. "I just want to help her. That's all I-"

"That's good." She took another drag from her cigarette. "Really, that's good Shinji, but what do you think she wants? She doesn't want you. She doesn't care about Shinji. All she wants is someone to play boyfriend with her. She is the type of woman that feels like she needs a man around so the best you can do for her is leave her alone."

"Are you sure?" He looked pensive, the things she said continuing to register in his mind as he looked down in thought. "Are you really sure that's the best thing to do?"

Ritsuko turned to walk towards the ash tray and smiled as she tapped her cigarette on top of it. She did it. She finally got him to see things her way and, at the same time, she got a few more days to spend alone with him.

"Shinji," She said his name sweetly, her first cigarette in months put out before she turned back around to face him. "Give her a few more days. If she was angry enough to hang up on you, do you really think she'll want to talk to you tomorrow or even the day after that?"

"No…"

She weaved her web and caught him in it. The potential to pull him even further away from Misato was there, but she had more important things to think about. Satisfied that she stole him away from his guardian for at least another day or two, Ritsuko was quick to close the distance between them.

Continued…

Author's note: Just a little more to go… You can do it, CF!

CF


End file.
